Start with some quinoa–a surprisingly delicious and affordable snack. I like to add quinoa to salads and soups for an extra health boost. To get the most benefits out of quinoa, I suggest to cook and eat at least one (1) pound a day–and know how to pronounce it! Also enjoy nuts, avocados, flax seeds…bananas…broth…maybe?? Eating vegan has many proven health benefits such as a clearer mental state and sometimes stronger muscles if you go to the gym a minimum of Monday-Sunday. Eating lots of lettuce or other green leafy foods is a bonus during this stage, as it will prepare your digestive system for what is to come! Eating vegan puts you a little more than a quarter away from being a fully formed goat–it’s just science!
Visit a farm
Show the animals you love and relate to them! Go ahead, kneel down in the half-dead grass and weeds with questionable wet spots and feed those goats by hand. Look them in the eye and figure them out–what is it they want out of this interaction with a human? Is there something more behind the dead and careless eyes of a goat? What feeds a goat’s soul? Life’s purpose is hard, even for goats.
You should also eat a handful of grass. Just, like…try it.
Massage your forehead…for the horns
At least twice a day, grab a dollop of lotion (I like to use “Goat Lotion: 99% Pure Goat Milk with Just a Pinch of THC”) and thoroughly massage your forehead with it. Don’t be afraid to really get in there–that spot will start to feel tender soon. Ya know, cause of the horns!!! Don’t worry, growing horns is similar to growing adult teeth after wiggling out your baby ones. It hurts a little at first, but then you’re going to start to look and sound like Mike Tyson.
Shelter: build a dirt pile and a shed
You’re going to want to build your shelter as soon as you can; because once those hooves come in, nothing’s going to get done. Start with a dirt pile–your goat self will appreciate having an already built hill to climb up and down for seemingly no reason. Make it tall, you’ll have more fun! I would also suggest building a small shed for the winter seasons where you’re going to want to be inside because your family won’t let you and your dirty, flea-ridden body in the house.
Stretch your goat legs
Congrats! You are successfully an almost fully-formed goat. But in order to be one of those goats you do yoga with, you have to make sure your tiny, stiff body is at least a little flexible and ready to climb on all those Lululemon girl’s backs. Clean out your hooves with your weird tongue and try some simple goat stretches: the Headbutt (smash your head into the ground or another goat), the Twist Jump (that cute thing where you jump and push off of something tall while twisting your body), or the Scream (just scream).
Life as a goat may seem meaningless at first, but the more attention from yogi wine moms and eager college girls you receive, the more your purpose will make sense. You have the chance of being a farm animal used for milk, a family’s weird pet, or chopped up into tiny pieces for goat meat. Either way, have fun with it! You’re a goat now! *Headbutt*