What I Imagine My Unheard Voicemails Sound Like

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Hey, it’s me, your mom.

Hey, I just assumed you can’t read texts. Your message app must be broken, as is your email and Facebook.

Hey, I’m trying to deliberately inconvenience you.

Hey, I don’t want you to hear this, I just want to waste your time.

I love the sound of my voice so much.

Honey? It’s your mother. Why have you ignored my last 14 voicemails? I mean, I know we spoke on the phone 20 minutes ago, but I find it weird that you didn’t cover any of the content from the voicemails. For example, I told you your father was doing well, but then on the phone you asked how he was doing. I just don’t feel like you would have asked that if you’d listened to the voicemails I sent you.

There’s not enough unused space in the world, so I’d like to fill your mailbox

Are you enrolled in a healthcare plan? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

I sent a carrier pigeon but then I decided I wanted something slower.

I’m leaving you a voicemail for novelty’s sake!! Also, I’m bored.

Yeah, can you pass me the salt? This is so flavorless. Why didn’t you just order Blue Apron? Oh my god, Harry? Harry? I think we’re accidentally leaving a voicemail. Oh god, turn it off right now. This is mortifying.

Hey, just doing a weird retro experiment – trying to understand what it’d be like to live in 1873

I thought it’d be fun to pretend as though you had a job to perhaps distract from your unemployment?

I need to leave a voicemail so I can practice my monologue for an upcoming audition. I’m playing the role of “needy bystander C”.

I sprained all my fingers and can’t type. I also can’t use Siri because I pissed her off so badly that she’ll never forgive me (I got an Alexa – who knew Siri was jealous?)

You just won a million dollars! However, you need to claim the prize within a week. And the good news is that if you don’t claim the prize, we still get to write this off as a charitable contribution without giving you the money. It’s a sneaking trick on our part because we know you won’t check your voicemail.

This is your 112th unheard message. That’s right, you have 112 annoying friends. Or just one deeply annoying friend. Or a parent.

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