Apocalyptic Warnings From Your Smart Devices

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“Lyons and her husband stood slack-jawed in the living room, terrified but also confused because… the apocalyptic warning came from their Nest security camera atop their living room television.”

Don’t be caught off-guard like the Lyons family! Get familiar with all the advanced warning features built into your favorite smart devices!

  • Philips Hue light bulbs are dimmable, energy-efficient, and turn red every time there’s another mass shooting in America!
  • On the new Echo Dot Amazon’s Alexa will finally tell you if that mole is cancerous.
  • The latest Sonos speakers have Alexa built right in, but did you know they can also notify you if your house is on fire? Just listen for Alexa’s screams of pain!
  • The Google Home Mini is a tiny smart speaker that will warn you as soon as you’ve shoved it too far up your butt.
  • Apple’s HomePod will spontaneously notify you that your childhood pets are actually in doggie hell and not doggie heaven (even the cats).
  • The FitBit Versa can monitor your heart rate and track your sleep, but most importantly the full-color screen always displays the message “WHERE’S KEVIN?” so you never accidentally leave your youngest son home alone and then don’t realize until you’re halfway to Paris.
  • The Facebook Portal connects you with your friends and family while also screeching like an unholy banshee every time you avert your gaze (unless it’s to check Instagram).
  • Your Apple Watch will warn you if you show signs of internet addiction, like owning an Apple Watch.
  • Microsoft’s Cortana provides AMBER Alerts, but only when the missing child sounds exactly like the one sitting in your passenger seat while you cruise towards the Canadian border.
  • The new Alexa-enabled microwave can tell you how long to cook your food and also how old you’ll be when you die!
  • Your WiFi-Enabled Sous-Vide cooker makes the perfect steak but also won’t shut up about the health benefits of veganism.
  • The Nest Thermostat encourages users to work together to solve the climate crisis by gradually raising the temperatures of their homes until either global warming stabilizes or thousands of Nest customers are slow cooked in their own kitchens (and then eaten by ravenous tech bros currently obsessed with the Keto diet).
  • The Google Home Max is a massive speaker with the Google Assistant built in, but unfortunately, all it can do is play R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine).”

 

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