People Who Deserve Valentines More Than Your Sh*tty Boyfriend Kevin

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Valentine’s Day is all about love, and while, of course, you love your boyfriend Kevin, you also love the people without whom you couldn’t stand being around Kevin for one more goddamn minute. Make sure these supportive folks know how much you appreciate them this Valentine’s Day.

Your Mom

When she said she hoped you’d find someone to share your life with, Kevin was not what she had in mind, but she’s a good sport. She didn’t even call a foul when you vented all Mother’s Day brunch about how his idea of a date is taking the scenic route to Chili’s. Send her a card that says she’s the MVP.

Your Local Dunkin Donuts Employees

Priyanka and Aeshna had no idea what they were in for when they noticed your new haircut, but they weathered dozens of emotions that followed with grace and poise. They agreed that yes, Kevin should have noticed, just like he should have noticed that you were in a bad mood last Tuesday and that the Jonathan Franzen books he checked out on your library card were overdue. Show Priyanka and Aeshna they don’t go unnoticed with a dozen red roses each.

Your Waiter

Michael may have been on his feet for 13 hours straight, but by the third time you said Kevin was almost there, he knew you were having a worse day than he was. When Kevin knocked a full glass of merlot onto you while watching a curling match on his phone, Michael was there with towels, a complimentary replacement glass, and a look of such deep understanding it stayed with you the entire Lyft home. Why wait until your next anniversary dinner to show Micheal how much you appreciate him with a tasteful timepiece?

Your Deskmate

Marisa thought you’d appreciate an iced green tea before your pitch meeting, but did not think it would lead to learning so much about your relationship. She earnestly agreed that Kevin should have realized that the seashells lining the windowsill were not trash nor were they within the scope of, “Clean up your chili mess in the kitchen.” Let Marisa know she’s the gold-standard of coworkers with a delicate gold bracelet.

Your UnBelizeable Quests™ Adventure Guide

Juan usually tells his groups that it’s their fear holding them back, but, in your case, it was clearly Kevin. Juan kindly lent a hand when Kevin was unable to continue the tour after puking in his kayak and lent an ear as you spent the remaining two hours bemoaning Kevin’s lack of moderation. Don’t hold on back on showing Juan you appreciate him— many fine wines can be shipped internationally.

Your Improv Team

Satan’s Harpsichord may only have completed Level 1, but their emotional support is next level. They gave it their best yes-ands when you managed to completely redirect a planet of dogs, a grocery store that only sells soup and a blind date at Taco Bell to be about how texting someone every day and asking them to send nudes is cheating. What the hell, take them all to Paris! Kevin wouldn’t have appreciated it anyway.

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