Amazon Announces Plan To Pull Out Of Your Life

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Photo by Lukas Kloeppel on

Dear Valued New York City Customer,

Here at Amazon, we’re always striving to improve the customer experience, and since all of you in New York have decided that you don’t want our new Headquarters we’ve decided to improve the customer experience by pulling out of New York entirely. Rather than risk providing substandard service we have decided to immediately confiscate all Amazon purchases— and burn all New York City Whole Foods stores to the ground— effective immediately.

As a Prime Member we wanted to make sure you were fully aware of the changes coming to your home. As such the following items are already being removed from your fourth-floor walkup by our non-unionized delivery people who we encourage you to tip generously (because we pay their guaranteed hourly wage using your tips!):

Your sheets

Yes they’re the wrong size and brown really doesn’t hide those semen stains, but these AmazonBasics King Size Premium Bedsheets were a steal at only $14.99, so we’ve asked the D.A. to press charges.

Your towels

Were you thinking about using your AmazonBasics towels as a makeshift blanket? Think again, you damp, naked loser!

Your doorknob

Remember that time you had those sketchy airBnb people staying in the living room and you were convinced they copied your keys and then you ordered a locking doorknob in the middle of the night? Well our courier couldn’t get the doorknob off so we just took the whole door. Better get home quick!

Two family size containers of Tony Chachere’s Original Creole seasoning

Why did you even buy this? Have you ever cooked with it? Honestly we almost left it as a reminder of your inability to follow through on anything. I mean, Jesus Christ.

SoundHealth Extra Strength Antacids

You literally ordered these seconds after you ordered the Tony Chachere’s. We’d say you were probably drunk but it was 10 in the morning so it’s more likely you were stoned.

One box of Chocolate Peanut Butter RX Bars

These aren’t food. They aren’t good for you. And they don’t taste nearly as good you keep insisting. Seriously, just stop.

A box of 100 Maude’s “World’s Best Half Caff” K-Cups

The Keurig machine is sad enough, but half caff?? We really should’ve noticed this and cut you off years ago.

Your Instant Pot Duo Mini

We know this one hurts, but you picked up this three-in-one pressure cooker from the Amazon Treasure Truck in a back alley around the corner from Larry Flint’s Hustler Club— a business that is apparently more welcome in your heinous city than an upstanding trillion dollar corporation like ours.

One Blue Yeti USB Microphone

You’re never going to record a second episode of that podcast anyway.

Your Kindle

We know you’ll miss using this as a coaster, but you can use your iPad for that too.

Your ProSource Accupressure Mat and Pillow

You bought this beige mat covered in tiny plastic spikes after googling “why does my neck hurt” at an airport in China, using a VPN to circumvent the world’s most sophisticated online censorship system. So you could buy this $22 piece of garbage. Just think on that for a minute and get back to us.

Your Amazon Echo

Actually, you can keep this one. We think the insecure things you say to yourself when no one else is home are HILARIOUS (and we’re basing a new streaming show on them!).



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