A Warning Letter from the Virgin Mary for the New Virgin on the Block  


Dear Colton, the Virgin Bachelor,

You’re the new virgin everyone’s talking about? You don’t seem that impressive to me. I have been hearing some comparisons between us recently and I just wanted to set a few things straight, virgin to virgin.

I was chosen before birth by GOD and monitored my entire life to ensure I was spiritual and chaste enough to be the vessel for the Lord. I hear that you were also chosen from a powerful entity, ABC. An influential company that only selects the best and whitest candidates for its shows.

I am sure people have been praising you for how far you have come, which I understand; protecting your maidenhood can be so difficult. You probably don’t call it that since you are such a big strong man. It is just that virginity is often referred to in very feminine terms. I will refer to it as your surhood, or something more tough, but playful, like your secret treasure.

Don’t be fooled, being a famous virgin isn’t all fame and fortune. I was shunned and stoned by the people I love because of my highly unlikely virgin pregnancy. I see you, well you have women throwing themselves at you, so I guess we sort of had different experiences.

There are so many people in the world looking to pillage your secret treasure but protecting your surhood is worth it because virginity is always rewarded.  I got to travel hundreds of miles on a donkey while nine months pregnant before giving birth in a dirty stable, and you get to jet off to exotic locations with women who want to sleep with you, even though we are technically equally virtuous.

We are both young, good-looking virgins who just want to find love. Not that you get to see how good I looked since I was always covered up. I had to worry about the opposite sex having sinful thoughts, but I see you aren’t too concerned with that since you are shirtless most of the time. Must be nice. Try trekking around the Middle East hauling a growing fetus inside of you! I guess virgins now get to flaunt whatever they’ve got.

I too had someone who wanted to marry me, so don’t go thinking you’re so special. True, it was only one guy, and not thirty, but my village was very small, and we didn’t get to travel much, unless we were being hunted by King Herod, so that was probably the only reason my list of suitors was so short. I could get it, and probably still could.

My Joseph decided to stay with me throughout my miracle pregnancy and every Christmas he is praised for continuing with a woman who was not carrying his baby, while I was literally forming Jesus cell by cell. He may be celebrated once a year, but I know how to build a legacy that crosses time and holiday seasons. Whenever someone thinks of virginity, they think of me. That’s kind of a big deal.

Though thousands of years have passed since my miracle conception, I still get to be called “Virgin Mary” even though Joseph wasn’t long taking that from me once we got married. Don’t tell the Catholic church, they have so little to cling to these days. You may be popular now, but I am sure after a couple more seasons of The Bachelor people won’t even remember your name. You’ll probably just be dumbed down to “The Virgin One.”

Right now, you’re coasting on your good looks and television appearances, but looks fade and I am sure this television thing is just a fad. Your virginal journey is far different from mine (clearly), but do not try to overshadow the odyssey that is my life. You get to be on TV, and have a TV, and indoor plumbing, and I, well, I got to be the famous virgin. Haunting will be the least of your worries if you try to take that away from me.


The Virgin, Mary


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