Reviewing Future Remakes of ‘A Star Is Born’

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October 4th, 2046
A Star Is Re-Born!
By Jacob Techler, New York Times 

Not every version of A Star Is Born has held up. Not the four you’re thinking of, nor the 2013 Bollywood remake that I dare you to pretend you already knew about. With the effects of climate change really starting to kick into 5th gear, we hardly know what Lady Gaga meant when she sang “we’re far from the shallow now.” It’s a lyric that means nothing now that most things are underwater.

That’s why we’re so lucky in 2046 to have a brand new version of A Star Is Born, starring Jacob Tremblay as a washed up electropunk DJ, and Brooklynn Prince (AKA the little girl from The Florida Project, 30 years ago) as a hot young beat-mixer. It’s something of a comeback role for Tremblay, who draws on his rugged bad-boy persona to win America back after his conviction for involuntary manslaughter back in 2039. Prince is a revelation, and her real-life career as America’s foremost beat mixer lends the film real authenticity. The chemistry between the two is palpable, and when they perform the title song, “I Want to Born You Tonight,” you can’t help but imagine Jacob Tremblay and Brooklynn Prince fucking.

Rounding out the cast is Timothee Chalamet, “America’s Dad,” as Tremblay’s older brother, and a 90-year-old cameo from Alec Baldwin as himself.

October 4th, 2068
Too Many Stars?
By Elias Techler, the Unified North American Film Review

It is my sworn duty to provide Unified North America with note and comment on the week in film. This week: Star: Born, the seventh version of the classic love story, this time about a man convincing a woman to become one of Emperor Trump’s Song Concubines. Everyone is played by holograms voiced by an artificial intelligence who improvises all of the dialogue, except a cameo from an 110-year-old Alec Baldwin as himself. The main musical number is a stirring rendition of the Unified North American National Anthem which will definitely win the Trump-cademy Trump-ward for best Original Song.

I will almost certainly be executed for saying this, but it’s starting to feel like we’ve made this movie too many times and we’re distracting ourselves from an ongoing crisis. If only they could have woken up Timothee Chalamet’s head, which sleeps in a jar of fluid waiting for the moment when the world needs him again, maybe he could have saved this, but no.

1st Week is the Harvest Moon, 15 Years After the Fire Deluge
An Original Smash Hit!
By Friar Techler, Monk of Redwall Abbey

We don’t know what entertained people before the fire-deluge wiped out civilization as it existed, resetting mankind to a primitive, feudal existence, but if they were lucky, it looked something like ‘Birth of a Star,’ the traveling puppet show now making its way through the ruins of the old world.

In it, a handsome puppet with a mop of oily yarn for hair encourages a young puppet to make her own puppet shows before hanging himself. It stars Amon, the weaver, Anya, the berry picker, and a special appearance from the old stranger known only as Baldwin. It features lute ballads that will move your cold heart and sloppy, drunken, middle of the night puppet sex.

Now, I am a humble monk. It is my duty to set down the records of the day so that they will not be forgotten, as all records before the Fire Deluge were. Something about the thematic universality of ‘Birth of a Star’ makes me think: are there totemic stories, of a cyclical nature, that repeat over and over, allowing us to mark the passage of time and eventually and the birth and death of the world itself? However, as far as I can tell, this is not one of them. This is a totally new thing.

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