“Thanks to a contentious decision by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ administration, civilian viewers will get a truncated version of the ceremony, a move that’s left factions of Hollywood seething.” – Huffington Post, 2/14/2910
Sadly, unless you were invited, you’ll be missing some of the usual Oscars action this year. Here, we take a look at a few of the deleted scenes that viewers won’t be able to see live.
- Jennifer Lawrence eating anything: Jennifer Lawrence has been known to shock the nation by eating food on television. Unfortunately, due to time restrictions, you’re just going to have to trust that JLaw did very relatably consume solid food (with gluten!), but you won’t know what.
- Jokes about how many awards Meryl Streep has won: Meryl’s publicist was furious to hear the obligatory joke about how many awards she’d won was going to be cut from the televised version this year. To make up for it, she will be awarded an Oscar for Best Actress and Best Actor — almost shocking that she hasn’t received it before. Sadly, the Best Actress award will also be cut, mostly because who has time for women?
- Lady Gaga sobbing: We’re going to have to settle for a light drizzle.
- Announcing the wrong winner: All mistakes will be available only on DVD. Which might make it the best-sold DVD of 2019.
- The speeches: No one is actually here for these, so it’s just as well. Ideally, we’d like most of the coverage to be famous people saying hello to each other. If you want to know what people “said” about their “awards” and who they “thanked”, check out the deleted scenes.
- Clint Eastwood falling asleep: If you buy the box-set, you’ll find several deleted scenes of celebrities snoring, some taken at the Oscars, some taken at their homes.
- James Franco high as balls: James Franco will actually be sober on camera at the Oscars this year. Or, like, sober-ish. Or off-camera. One of those.
- Calls for change in Hollywood: Sure, it’d be nice if viewers got to see celebrities asking for Hollywood to change their sexist, racist culture, but there’s just no time. February amiright?! 28 days isn’t enough days to pretend you want to overhaul a broken industry.
- Women over the age of 32 who aren’t Meryl Streep: We’d love to have them on TV, but we only have three hours, and we need at least 44 minutes for Margot Robbie. This is a ratings play, and there’s just nothing sexy about being within 20 years of menopause.
- Size 8s and up: There was a real struggle to keep the size 6s, but fortunately — oh, wait, no, they won’t be included either.
- A woman in a suit: Yeah, it’s cool, but we’ve seen it before, at least twice.
- Anyone who isn’t white: It’s not the networks fault, and it’s certainly not Hollywood’s fault – they’re just dealing with very real time constraints. The good news is that the whole ceremony — POCs (or, maybe, POC) and all — will stream live on Sundance NOW three weeks later, so who says representation isn’t real?
- A known sexual predator boldly promoting the ‘Time’s Up’ movement: Just kidding, of course this is going to be included.