Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

It’s the dog days of winter, by which I mean the only creatures still enjoying winter by now are dogs. It snowed this week and actually stuck to the ground for only the third time this winter, I believe, though I tend to lose track of these sorts of things. The little dogs I walk hate this weather, but I’ve been blessed with a mountain dog who loves to jump and roll in the snow, who is completely impervious to the elements in a way I admire almost to the point of jealousy. Though winter isn’t known for its dog days, these are undoubtedly his days, and it’s nice to see someone enjoying them.

One thing that isn’t enjoying this weather is my skin. The eye condition I wrote about a few weeks ago has worsened, though my beloved Keys Eye Butter has continued to help. Now I think I have a little yeast infection on the corners of both eyes, which is gross, but one of the side effects of having plump, moist skin is that it sometimes grows fungus. I’ve never had a yeast infection in my pussy (fingers crossed! That I don’t get one, to be clear!) but I’ve gotten one in my ear before and have been fighting a battle (which I’m winning!) against athlete’s foot for a decade. I’ve been dabbing a mild anti-fungal cream on the corners of my eyes for the past week or so and I think it’s helping? A bunch of skin flaked off yesterday, so the irritated area is healing or my face is about to fall off. Either way, exciting!

But fret not, loyal reader(s), this isn’t another post about my eyes. It is instead about the horrors of winter skin. By this time of year, my skin is always so dull, dry and pale that it resembles a husk of week-old bread (in appearance only — it doesn’t taste nearly as good). I feel pale and fleshy and ashy as hell. I feel gross. (I also feel fat, but that’s because I’m about to get my period or my stomach is going to explode by the end of the day. Either way, exciting!)

Though I slather my face and body in products year-round, my skin is way more low-maintenance in the summer. When it’s warm, all I need is a couple drops of Vitamin C Serum (I’m using this one now), a thin coat of Supergoop! City Sunscreen Serum (I love a serum!) and a light smearing of Glossier’s Perfecting Skin Tint for my face to look fresh, dewey and even-toned. In the summer, my skin is Cameron Diaz, a cool girl who can hang, the hot chick who drinks beer and eats pizza but still stays so thin (unlike me, a very uncool girl who can only hang if the beer and pizza is gluten-free).

In the winter, however, my skin is a Kardashian: I’ve got to work for it and if you want me, you better work just as hard (I don’t know what that part means either. Please don’t steal my skin). I have to slather tons of (metaphorical) shit all over my face day and night just to keep my skin on my face. In addition to Vitamin C, I use a Hyaluronic Acid Serum and I layer a hefty amount of this thick cream over my Supergoop! serum. I also need something with a little more coverage than Glossier cares to provide. This time of year, the no-makeup makeup look doesn’t suffice — I need actual goddamn makeup.

Fortunately, I just bought some Supergoop! Daily Correct CC Cream, which has changed everything. I first tried it when the company sent a tiny little sample along with my order of City Sunscreen Serum and I was immediately impressed. What is CC cream? The hell if I know. Don’t ask me the difference between CC or BB or tinted moisturizer or foundation — all I know is that this particular CC cream is magic. It blends easily and provides the perfect amount of coverage without making it look like I’m wearing makeup. I guess it’s no-makeup makeup after all, except it is makeup, and no-makeup makeup is, like most things, a scam invented by men to pit women against each other.

Though I think there is a time and place for foundation (photoshoots and weddings), whenever I use it I feel like I’m painting a different face on my face. When I wear this CC cream, however, my face is still there, but better. It somehow manages to provide full-coverage while remaining transparent, which is all I ever want in skin makeup (as opposed to eye and lip makeup, which I want to be opaque as hell. If you can see I have actual eyelashes under my mascara, it’s not working!).

Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early spring, and while I never believe that lying sonofabitch, I hope he’s right, if only for my skin’s sake. I’m ready for warmer weather but my largest organ is desperate for it (my other organs are longing for spring too. My gall bladder won’t shut up about it!), is losing the will to live and literally falling off my body due to this unending cold.

As for the dogs, they’re ready for spring too. If any days are dog days they’re the first of spring, when the ground begins to thaw and reveal its long-frozen smells and the breeze carries the first hint of warmth to come. But until then, I’ll keep slathering (metaphorical) shit all over my skin in an attempt to keep my face on my face so that it may live, along with the rest of me, to see summer.

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one cares about my winter skin regimen. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, CC cream or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!