New Expanded Warning Labels For the Modern Consumer

two white ceramic plates near microwave on counter top
Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

Streaming Video Service

Watching may lead to increased risk of dangerous behaviors, such as serious injury after dodging your car through traffic blindfolded, self-immolation for mean-girl awareness, attempting to catch a turd burgler with your bare hands, trying to bake impossible-to-bake goods, and obsessive tidying. Don’t do these things. TV is not real.

Iron-on shirt label

Do not iron while wearing shirt. Do not iron your body. Do not glue label. Do not glue label on face. Do not iron the label on your shirt while in the bathtub.

Public toilet

Not safe for drinking. Not to be used for washing your face, in a neti pot, or going for a leisurely swim. Unless you’re a dog, in which case “Who’s a good boy? You are. You’re a good boy.”

Microwave oven

Do not use for drying pets. Do not use in an attempt to eradicate your hamster’s cancer. Do not use in an attempt to eradicate your own cancer. Do not attempt to fit self into microwave. Not for use with small children. Do not attempt to turn your child into a Marvel superhero by nuking him “just a little bit.”

Alcoholic Beverages

Do not operate heavy machinery when under the influence. The consumption of beer, wine, spirits, hard lemonade, spritzers, mouthwash, cough syrup, straight rubbing alcohol, or windshield wiper fluid may result in difficulty walking, urges to do the “worm”, ruining your Uber rating after disgorging everything you drank into the backseat, and deep expressions of love for your best friend Betty with whom you just started working last month. Does not in any form cause you to be sexually assaulted, though may numb you to the infuriating effects of politics.

Hot Coffee

Contents are hot and may burn. Do not pour onto crotch area. Do not throw in someone’s face. Do not drink while running. Do not stick your hand inside contents as the intense heat will cause your hands to catch fire and detach from your arm. Do not eat hand.

Bottle of pills

Take one capsule by mouth.  Not to be taken through the anus, vagina, nostril, eye socket, ear canal, or percutaneous absorption through the skin. When taking capsule by mouth, which is the only way to take, make sure to swallow. Swallowing is key. Do not choke. If you do start choking, expel through mouth. Leave your anus, vagina, nostrils, eye sockets, and ear canals alone.  

Apple iPod

Do not eat. Do not bake into a pie. Does not go well with peanut butter. Your child will not appreciate being served as a side for lunch. It is not to be used in your martini, bath soap, or candles. Do not poison and give to your step-daughter in the hopes of capturing her innocent beauty. Do not mash into a sauce.

Car sunshield

Do not drive with sunshield in place. Do not run holding it in front of you, and definitely not while holding scissors.  Do not wrap it around your head and try to Frogger your way through traffic (see also: streaming video services). Do not light on fire and throw it in the trunk. Do not attempt to actually drive it – it is not a car.

Pepper spray

May irritate eyes. Keep away from sensitive areas of the face. Avoid spraying. Keep contents inside container at all times as the risk of burning sensation, spontaneous combustion, or nuclear war are at all times imminent. Do not use as a seasoning.

Vape Pen

May lead to cancer or your carotid artery being severed. There is no safe way to use this product and you will surely die by some unexpected cataclysmic event if you even look in its direction.

Chainsaw

Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand. Do not attempt to stop with any other part of your body either. Not for use in cutting hair or shaving. Do not use to open your package of scissors that cannot be opened without scissors. Do not use as a practical joke on your boyfriend because you think it’s funny that he gets scared by those old Friday the 13th movies. Do not attempt to stop blade with your boyfriend’s hand.

Stroller

Remove infant before folding and storing. Remove infant before riding on back with one foot in air while screaming “Wheeeee!”. Do not place groceries on top of infant. Remove infant before putting product up in the attic where it will never be seen again. Do not attempt to push down stairs to see “will it fly?” If you do, remove infant before attempting. Not for use on highway.

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