BROOKLYN, NY — A local woman has finally finished the giant ass bottle of turmeric pills she bought at Target months ago without noticing one single difference in her mood or appearance. “I feel exactly the same. I look the same. I mean, I look great, but I looked great before the turmeric, so it didn’t make me look better. I’ve always been really hot.”
When asked why the woman started taking turmeric, she simply shrugs. “Everyone was talking about it! I actually have two big ass spice jars of it that I bought years ago, first to make this soup that was like, fine but not amazing so I never made it again. Then, a year after that, I decided to make this other dish that called for turmeric and forgot I already had some, and you know how that goes.” When asked again why the woman started taking turmeric because she didn’t actually answer the question the first time, she says, “Oh right — wait I already told you I started taking it because everyone was talking about it.” When asked what exactly everyone was saying, she says, “That everyone should take it.” When asked why everyone should take it, she says, “Huh. I guess I never thought about that.”
While many claim turmeric has health benefits, even experts struggle to explain what those benefits actually are. Says one functional doctor, “It helps with inflammation.” When asked what that means, she says, “It decreases the parts of your body that are inflamed.” When asked what that means, she says, “Like, swollen? Or irritated? Honestly I don’t know, haha! That’s a good question.” When asked why she didn’t learn what inflammation is in medical school, she says, “Oh, I didn’t go to medical school.” When asked what her medical training is, she says, “I met Gwyneth Paltrow at a yoga retreat a few years ago, and that was that!” When asked what she means by “that was that!” she hangs up the phone.
The woman certainly isn’t the only one who’s fallen prey to this mysterious health craze, and in fact gullible citizens across the five (three, if we’re being honest) boroughs have been dumping turmeric in all kinds of shit. “I put it in my husband’s coffee,” says one local woman. “He has no idea, but honey, it’s working,” she adds with a wink. When asked what she means, she says, “My man’s packing heat! Not a gun, a dick. We’re a gun-free household, but he’s got a long schlong. Thick too!” When asked what that has to do with turmeric, she says, “Honestly I don’t know. What’s it supposed to do again?”
Though she’s recognized absolutely no health or wellness or other kind of benefit whatsoever, the woman says she’ll keep taking turmeric. “Oh absolutely. In fact, I’m about to go to Target to buy another big ass bottle. I’ll keep taking it every day just in case it’s doing something I don’t know about. Like, maybe my gall bladder is clean as shit right now or something. How would I know?”
How would she know? And how would you? And how would we? And what even is turmeric, when you think about it? And also when you don’t? And why not take it? But also why?
“Exactly,” says the woman, as she pops nine bright orange pills into her mouth, washing them down with a 2-liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew before hopping the turnstile and darting into an empty A Train car, readier than ever to be whisked away to deepest Brooklyn (Ridgewood).