MAN IN CHARGE: So tell us about your interest in joining the likes of RAZOR SCOOTERS and PAYING MONEY TO STAY AT A STRANGER’S APARTMENT IT’S NOT CREEPY IF A LOT OF PEOPLE DO IT.

Mom Bod: I’ve been dreaming of becoming a Cultural Phenomenon for a while, and after seeing DAD BOD blow up last year, I thought it might be my time.

MAN SLIGHTLY LESS IN CHARGE BUT STILL PRETTY IN CHARGE: Sure, sure. But what’s your thing? What’s your angle?

Mom Bod: As the name implies, I’m basically the same as DAD BOD, except I’m a woman.

MAN WITH MODICUM OF POWER MAKING SIX FIGURES: Okaaaaay, but how will you make women feel insecure by convincing them you can help them look better, like the EXTRA-STRENGTH WAIST TRAINER for women trying to hide that they were recently pregnant, or the AS FLAT AS WE CAN GET IT TUMMY TEA for women trying to hide that they’re currently pregnant?

Mom Bod: I’m sorry – I should have been more clear: I’m exactly the same as DAD BOD. But a woman version.

BLUE BUTTON-DOWN WITH A FACE: So a hot version? I think we’d be down for a MILF rebrand.

Mom Bod: No—whether or not I’m hot is beside the point.

FIRST ONE’S COLLEGE ROOMMATE: Then it’s a comedy thing? People are supposed to point and laugh?

Mom Bod: No, I’m just … regular. I’m about recognizing the beauty of a body that doesn’t look totally sculpted.

NEVER HAD A WOMAN BOSS: Oh, so you’re CONTOURING for abs? Is this a GYM-SELFIE thing or just a regular SELFIE thing?

Mom Bod: No, it’s not about changing how you look. I mean, sure, I wouldn’t be mad if I somehow acquired some abs, but “work out then wine out” is more my style.

HAS HIT ON MULTIPLE COLLEAGUES: Oh so you’re a workout at a winery? Or wine to drink on the elliptical? Honestly both sound great, and we’ve been looking for an excuse to dump SOUL CYCLE for ages. Who wants to look at a candle while they’re sweating? Does that make any sense to you?

Mom Bod: It truly does not. But also, I’m not a workout. I’m just a body. Just a type of woman’s body.

MAJOR DICKHEAD: We’ve already got two types of women’s bodies. I don’t think there’s demand for anything besides “hot” and “gross.”

Mom Bod: Could I ask who you’re polling about that, because I think—

COLONEL DICKHEAD: Listen, we’ve been giving people just two options for decades, and they seem to do fine fitting every woman’s body into one of those two. Another category is too complicated!

Mom Bod: Well, don’t you think DAD BOD is sort of a gray area? A body whose acceptance and celebration says that men are allowed to just look how they look and that’s OK? I’m that – for women.

 

CLAIMS TO BE A FEMINIST: Got it – you’re a new PHOTOSHOP thing! You just PHOTOSHOP a kid into pictures of hot women to convince other hot women that they can still be considered hot even if there’s a kid nearby! I’m sold!

Mom Bod: No, nothing to do with kids. I’m exactly the same as DAD BOD and DAD BOD doesn’t actually mean the body of a dad, just a body that might have other things to do besides whatever embarrassment a BURPEE is supposed to be, or drinking BONE BROTH. When I say, “the women’s equivalent of DAD BOD,” what do you picture?

ONE OF THE DICKHEADS: Honestly, I’m drawing a blank.

Mom Bod: Really? Because it’s just this body that you’re looking at right here. Damn it, maybe you just need to see it. [Removes clothes.]

MEN LITERALLY ALL OF THEM: Gross. Thanks for coming in, but we’re going to pass. JUICING will show you out.