Jade Roller, $30
Skydiving instructors are exposed to a lot of air. It’s an occupational hazard. Sometimes, that air gets trapped in the face, making it bubble up like a cheap linoleum floor. Skydiving instructors then use this tool to smooth out the face bubbles one by one.
Exfoliating Pads, $18
This is a handy tool when you need to remove some skin without committing to flaying, which is very expensive. You scrape the pads across your skin and it removes the top layer, or epidermis. The bad news is that the process feels like a vengeful deity peeling you like a clementine. The good news is that it results in your face oozing a little bit, which is a big indicator of health and youth.
Vitamin C Serum, $72
This product is popular among seafaring folk at risk for scurvy. The serum can be applied directly onto the skin, allowing you to absorb essential nutrients on the high seas – even if all you’re eating are starfish nuggets, fried kelp, and hard tack.
Body Butter, $22
This is literally butter for your body. It tastes pretty good. It’s mainly used by giants who spend their weekends roasting humans like elotes over massive mountain campfires. I think this is also probably used by those Pinterest women who make Engagement Chicken, but I’m not sure where they put it.
pH-Balancing Toner, $90
When astronauts return from space, the pH of their facial skin is dramatically compromised. A lot of people don’t know that. It’s because the act of leaving the stratosphere actually causes their skin to fly off of their face for a split second. The skin settles back down with a subtle flap-flap-flap sound, but the pH is just an absolute nightmare. So they rub this product across their faces, and boom – pH restored.
Sheet Mask, $19
This is for when you’re kind of tired of your own face and would like to try a new one. This usually happens in your mid-thirties. You place the mask on your face and smooth the edges down to give you the appearance of a new face. Sheet masks are available in Big Face, Small Face, and Business Face.
Micellar Water, $23
It’s important for your face to be kind of wet at all times. This is a fact that you’ll find in most major beauty magazines. Keep this water in your pocket or handbag and apply it to your face regularly. People will look at you and say, “Your face is wet. Is it raining?” And you can boastfully say, “No, I just have one of those wet faces.”
Glycolic Acid Cream, $42
For dissolving dead people, I think.