The time has come for me to be honest with my family and friends. I apologize for my silence these last few months, but I didn’t know how to come clean about my new life. Yes, I’ve moved into an old bat infested castle in Romania, yes I share my space with a cat named Fatatita, and yes, I am legally married to Count Von Count.
Don’t worry about me, I’m blissfully happy here. The count has made all of my wildest dreams come true. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how our love affair began, but let me attempt to paint a picture. My friend was playing a game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” with Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and the Count. What started as innocent, drunken fun led me down a deep path of self-reflection. I know in my heart what I had to do. I set off on a year-long journey. I assassinated Big Bird. It was a mercy killing, really. Oscar was an easy fuck, and frankly, his apartment was reminiscent of every other man I’ve slept with in my 20s who was “working on a screenplay”. The count was trickier. How could I make him mine?
I traveled to Romania and scaled the walls of the castle. I threw open the squeaky door and was met by the floozy, Countess Dahling Von Dahling. She challenged me to a duel and I quickly vanquished her. The count appeared at the top of the grand staircase, and the rest, as they say, is history.
The count treats me very kindly. Not many people know this, but he has quite a bit of wealth and political power. Contrary to popular opinion, he is not a vampire, but his teeth are indeed sharp. I hope this isn’t too gauche to say, but sexually I am more satisfied than I’ve ever been before. The count likes to take his time, slowly getting faster, and he relishes multiple…well, you know. No need to be crass. I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to the families of Big Bird and Countess Dahling Von Dahling. I know that it’s hard to understand, but death was the only option for them. The Count and I are registered at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. A-ți lua inima în dinți!