Bro, dude. I did a pretty bad thing. No bullshit: I lied to thousands of people about providing the dopest party weekend ever at the Fyre Festival, but now I gotta face the facts. I’m spending the next six years in prison, and I promise to use that time to reflect on my past and repay my debts to society. Stop the presses because I, Billy McFarland, do hereby swear to undertake the ultimate correctional facility experience.
Hell yeah, my time behind bars is gonna have the most bars of all time. Iron bars. Steel bars. Gold bars. Raw bars. Open bars. The Bar Exam. That’s right, your boy is gonna study to become an attorney so he can turn over a new leaf or some shit like that.
Anybody worried I’m not finding any action locked up? Well, I’m getting laid basically every night. But not in like the cool way — mostly in the way that inmates trade sexual favors for cigarettes. That’s right, in my cell, everybody’s gonna get some (contraband smuggled up a stranger’s bumhole)!
Your boy Billy won’t be alone either. All the biggest incarcerated celebrities and influencers will be here. One minute I’ll be sipping toilet wine with Martha Stewart, and the next I’ll be making license plates with Wesley Snipes. Word on the street is that Kevin Spacey will make an appearance too. He might be a little late, but don’t sweat it, he’ll show.
So come down and visit me! From the skinheads to bunk beds, my jail has it all. The tally marks carved into my wall are shaped like dollar-signs! Our Bible studies have all the best scripture lines remixed by a guest DJ! Every Tuesday, I host a lip-sync battle, using a shiv as a microphone!
Did I mention how sexy I look in black-and-white stripes?
And by the end of my six years, you better bet your left nut that I’m a changed man. Who knows what kind of noble bullshit I’ll cook up once my parole hits? Maybe I’ll be the spokesman for a line of eco-friendly jet-skis, or I can invent a cologne that cures herpes. Man, better stop talking before someone steals all my ideas.
Until then, I’ll be raging and rehabilitating at Billy McFarland’s Prison-palooza! Much like any lyric by my number-one bro and business partner Ja Rule, this will be no normal sentence.