12 Reasons I Can’t Get a Nipple Piercing

By Gwen Thomas

woman holding cigarette stick wearing red hat and yellow collared button up shirt
Photo by Gabe Morales on Pexels.com
  1. I would be off-balance forever.
  2. People with body piercings always run into issues during professional job interviews. And I always interview braless, in muscle tanks, so you know they’d see it.
  3. The TSA’s metal detectors.
  4. I pass out when I see blood. And thinking about passing out makes me black out. Thus, I could very well go into the shop prepared to get pierced and emerge with a large Phineas and Ferb back tattoo.
  5. Magnets are everywhere these days and my breast could unknowingly guide me towards them, rendering me horribly lost.
  6. If I ever have a child, the baby will be forced to breastfeed across from the pierced, sexy, untouchable other breast. I do not want to expose my child to unrealistic body standards on day one.
  7. If I ever get mugged, I will truly not be able to hand over all of my jewelry, which would be risking my life (To be clear, I would not tell the mugger about the piercing, but if he is any type of mugger worth his salt, he will think to check).
  8.   It could get infected. I am not a doctor; I do not specialize in wound care. Maybe if I had gone to medical school I would be comfortable caring for a standard procedure piercing like this, but that ship sailed years ago.
  9.  Supposedly magpies like to steal shiny things.
  10. I would probably be very nervous to get it, and get very drunk beforehand. When I drink I black out. Thus, I could very well go into the shop prepared to get pierced and emerge with a large Phineas and Ferb back tattoo.
  11. My piercing may add volume, and require a roomier bra cup on that side of my body. I don’t think they make bras with two different sized cups. (If you ask me this is very judgmental and wrong, because it’s basically the same principle as making eyeglasses with different prescriptions in each lens, and society doesn’t have any problem with that.)
  12. I don’t have insurance to pay for it because apparently a nipple piercing is not a “medical necessity” according to “Obamacare”.

 

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