Ten Reasons Why I, A Bisexual Woman on Tinder, Do Not Want A Threesome With You and Your Boyfriend Todd

By Sophie Panzer

close up of woman holding condom
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

1)    You started your profile with heyyyyy ladieeezzzz, which suggests you were drunk when you wrote it and may still be drunk now.

2)    Your slightly forced smile suggests you regularly fake your orgasms and are only with Todd out of fear of being alone in this cold harsh world.

3)    The one blurry picture of Todd that you posted at the very end makes him look like one of the evil thumb people from Spy Kids and it is impossible for me to be aroused now that I have noticed this.

4)    The one blurry picture of Todd that you posted at the very end also features him holding both a gun and a dead fish, which suggests he is bad at both hunting and fishing. Also GUNS. NO. BAD. NO GUNS.

5)    You request “girls only,” which suggests you and Todd have not communicated about the sexist and patriarchal nature of the one penis rule and possibly have not communicated about anything since you established you were both interested in fucking each other regularly.

6)    One of your profile pictures is just a photo of a crying baby which I think is supposed to be a meme but now all of the text has been cut off and it just looks very disturbing and out of place on this adult sex app.

7)    The one time I agreed to meet with a straight couple for drinks they just grinned at me in this repressed but also weirdly parental way like a couple in a 1950s gardening catalog until I had the good sense to excuse myself and climb out the bathroom window.

8)    You are taking up space and obstructing queer people trying to connect with each other, which makes me want to lure you into a dark alleyway and lecture you about queer theory.

9)    You specify “waxed only, no gross body hair,” which makes me want to lure you into a dark alleyway and drop 10 textbooks from Feminism 101 on your heads.

10)  His name is Todd. Come on.

 

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