How To Get Over A Break-Up

By Johnathan Appel and Patty Terhune

broken heart love sad
Photo by burak kostak on
  1. Get Rid Of Their Stuff – Now that your ex is out of your life, all of their stuff should be too! Yes, that even means their cozy sweater they left behind at your place. You have to sever that connection. In fact, get rid of all of your stuff. Sell your apartment. Say goodbye to your loved ones. You gave it a good shot, but you have to abandon this timeline.
  2. Take A Solo Trip – As someone wise once said, “It is when you get lost that you find yourself.” It’s time for you to take a trip! Go buy a plane ticket right now for one! You could go to Paris or the beaches of Thailand. Or you could go to Geneva, Switzerland, the home of CERN’s Large Hadron Super Collider.
  3. Establish New Routines – When you’re used to doing everything with your significant other, it can be hard to pick up the pieces after that big break-up. But you can get out of your rut with new activities in a new place! Wander Geneva’s famous Old Town. Soak in the history at Temple de Saint-Pierre. Spend your evenings tracking the rounds of the night security at CERN, especially noting when the guards change shifts and which cuts of meats will distract their dogs for a few minutes.
  4. Practice A New Skill – Flaunting your talents and aptitudes is a great way to remind the world, and yourself, that you are capable of thriving on your own. Now is the perfect chance to show off your knowledge from that intermediate French Rosetta Stone course. “Excusez-moi, ou es le Large Hadron Super Collider?”
  5. Get A Haircut – A new haircut can make you feel like a totally different person! So can a new nose. And don’t forget plastic surgery to replicate those high cheekbones that Fabiola Gianotti, the CERN Director-General, is known for! Without those, her co-workers might know which one of you was the doppelganger if she breaks of that locked closet and demands that you give her ID badge, high-level security clearance, and clothes back to her.
  6. Feel Your Feelings – A life-altering break-up is a great time for introspection. You can enjoy a quiet place to think inside the Super Collider tunnels as it powers on for exactly 43 seconds. It’s important during this time when emotions and the teraelectronvolts can seem overpowering to remember that your feelings are valid. Feel yourself dissociate as your body dissolves into millions of particles and compresses through a miniature black hole. Bathe in the energy of you.
  7. Give It Time – At the end of the day, the only real cure for a break-up is achieving a higher level of universal understanding in 9th-dimensional space and taking some time. Good thing that linear time is meaningless in this realm of existence! So make sure to find and merge with other versions of yourself across the time-space continuum. Realize you are never alone as, at this moment and at all moments, you are time and space itself.
  8. Stare Into The Abyss Comprising All Metaphysical Realities – Remember, the abyss will be staring right back at you.
  9. Avoid Posting The Details On Facebook – Your life is your life!

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