So, you want to catfish your ex.
And why shouldn’t you? He broke your heart after he dumped you on your birthday in the parking lot of a Chile’s.
Now, before you go making up an identity with an elaborate backstory accompanied by unrealistic-yet-easily-Googleable photos, remember: the best catfishes are the believable ones.
Too many people make the mistake of embellishing their story. Oh, you’re a former pop star who gave up a life of fame to birth sea cows in the West Indies? Tell me more.
Wait, so you’re telling me you’re actually Michelle Obama, former first lady of these United States? Go on.
They’re too far-fetched. They’ll never work.
To help you out, here are some believable fake identities you can use to catfish your ex:
Mia, the yoga instructor
Mia is a sweet, mild-mannered 27-year-old yoga instructor from San Diego. She’s a bit jaded from her last breakup but finds comfort confiding in your ex. She’ll tell him how he makes her feel “important,” and “beautiful,” and that she’s “never met anyone like him before.” The two will talk for six months before she confesses her love for him, but despite his many attempts, they will never so much as FaceTime because her iPhone “can’t take calls outside the Pacific Time Zone.”
Emma, the graduate student
Chasing her master’s degree in psychology, Emma is the perfect woman to console your ex when he tells her about his unnerving fear of dying alone. “Fear is healthy,” she’ll say. “But the more scared you are, the scarier things feel.” She’ll reassure him that he isn’t going to die alone, “you have me,” she’ll send via Gchat. He’ll tell his friends how he’s found his dream girl, but won’t have any photos to share since she doesn’t have Facebook because “it got hacked by a porn star,” he’ll tell them. “But trust me, dude, she’s totally real.”
Charlotte, the Anthropologie manager
After a short stay at NYU as a French major, Charlotte found her real passion in fashion merchandising. “Work was insane today,” she’ll write. “I almost quit after a customer threw up in the fitting rooms, but knowing that I get to talk to you later calmed me down. It always does.” She’ll rope your ex into falling for her after a short two months when she tells him she believes they’re soulmates. “I’ve spent my entire life looking for you,” she’ll write in an email. “And now that I have, I’m never letting you go. Je t’aime.” Unfortunately for your ex, the two will never meet on account of her cat falling ill with polio.
Ashleigh, the vet tech
At 30 years old, Ashleigh is an aspiring musician, but works a day job as a veterinary technician in Ohio. She and your ex will talk for about a year and a half after she finds him on Bumble. During that time, the two will discuss marriage, decide the names of their future children, and she’ll even send him samples of her “original songs,” and hope he doesn’t notice that they’re actually Alanis Morissette tracks played in reverse. She’ll block him after he begs her to call him when she’s told him multiple times that her speaker is broken after she dropped her phone in a puddle of pee.
Cameron, the single mother
Left at the altar by her son’s father, Cameron is ready to find “the one.” She’ll go in-depth with your ex about her horrific romantic past, and tell him that she’s accepted the fact that she’ll be raising her son alone. She’ll convince your ex he’s the only one who can fix her, that she needs him to support her and 3-year-old John. After five years of communicating back and forth, Cameron will say that she’s finally ready to meet face-to-face. Too bad for your ex, she’ll cancel last minute after he’s flown all the way to London to see her. “I’m so sorry,” she’ll text him, “but I don’t think I can do this. I’m just too…scared.”
If you choose not to use any of the above identities and want to create your own, just make sure it’s realistic, genuine, and hot enough to ruin your ex’s life.