Proposed Diagnostic Criteria for Coastal Elitism

By Michael Caves

aerial view and grayscale photography of high rise buildings
Photo by Tatiana Fet on Pexels.com

Elizabeth Warren, Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, and other democratic politicians from coastal states have announced their 2020 presidential candidacy. After the term “coastal elite” was used loosely to describe voting trends in 2016 it is important for the term to have an official definition prior to the 2020 race. A constituent must meet at least 7 out of the 10 proposed diagnostic criteria to be clinically considered a coastal elite.

Patient must:

  • Feed their cats a gluten-free diet.

    • Exclude if patient’s cats have celiac disease.

  • Pay more in student debt payments than monthly rent.

    • Exclude if patient has more than four roommates.

  • Own credit cards made of precious metals that collect enough airline points to fly over Middle America.

    • Exclude if patient would like to visit Middle America.

  • Have read at least 50 pages of Infinite Jest and understood at least 25 of them.

    • Exclude if patient was required to read Infinite Jest for a class.

  • Support local journalism.

    • Include only if patient’s local newspaper is one of the following: New York Times, Boston Globe, Washington Post, Seattle Times, San Francisco Chronicle, or Los Angeles Times.

  • Subscribe to Hulu without the ads.

    • Exclude if patient shares login information in exchange for a friend’s Netflix login information.

  • Have a job title that nobody understands.

    • Exclude if patient has a job title that includes the word “junior” and everyone gets that the patient is a powerless cog in the corporate machine.

  • Not own headphones with wires.

    • Exclude if patient does not own any headphones.

  • Eat organic food.

    • Exclude if patient grows their own food.

  • View Jeff Bezos’s phallic self-portraits as an expression of capitalism imposing itself on American society and regularly uses the phrase “corporate greed” in conversation.

    • Exclude if patient believes it is the American dream that even an average member of society can become a billionaire.

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