All illustrations are by Maddie Fischer, @paper_maddie on Instagram, www.maddiefischer.com
Green Bomber Jacket and Booty Shorts
The winter’s over bitches, so it’s time to look at my butt. My butt was depressed for months and months, hidden under floor length nightgowns stained in my period blood, obscured by black leggings covered in cookie crumbs, and diapered up by towels so I could pee my bed in peace. I just was too sad to get up. But now, my butt is entering a manic episode. So for the love of God, world, look at my butt! Look at it! It is taut, it is bangable, and it is flowing out of my daisy dukes. You truly can’t miss it. Sure, there is still slush on the ground, but it’s okay, because my depression is gone, and my booty is back. Oh yeah, and I’m wearing a cool green bomber jacket. Sorry, this post was mostly about my ass.
Poodle Skirt and Crown
Nothing says I just upped my Prozac dose like sporting a 1950s poodle skirt and donning a crown you picked up at the 99 cents store. Yeah bitch. I’m a vivacious springtime queen. You wouldn’t of seen me caught dead in a gorgeous getup like this in winter, because I wanted to be dead. TMI? Oopsie. Doesn’t matter! My ruminating thoughts of suicide are literally gone, because like, look at the sun! I think I’m gonna spin around. Whoa, there I go. Sorry if this queenly costume makes you realize I’m the total package. I’m alive again world!
Overalls With Nothing Underneath
The sun is out, and so are my tits. Sorry I’m not sorry. If my 6 month depressive episode taught me anything, it’s that wearing a bra is useless. But this time, as I go braless and bare my titties underneath these Osh Kosh B’gosh’s, I’m baring them because I want to, not because I’m so violently depressed I can’t move my hands. Isn’t the weather fabulous? I’m going to jump up and down! Oopsie! Both my nipples just came out. Whatever! Now that it is warm, I don’t know what shame is!
A Floral Romper so Tight It Induces a Yeast Infection
It’s springtime, and I embrace all living things, including yeast! Who needs a springtime thong to give you a disease when this romper is so tight, it’s basically a thong all on its own? Yes ladies, I’m sporting a daisy print romper and it’s so tight, I can actually feel the yeast multiplying, much like dopamine in my brain. Thanks SSRIs! I’m excited to face a challenge! Woo! Mania!
Fluorescent Work Out Gear
It’s springtime, and I am thinking about working out. Am I actually working out? No. But I am thinking about it, which is more than I could do as my sad winter self. (I moved so infrequently I nearly got a bedsore.) TMI? It’s okay. Those days are over, and I am officially sporting tie dye leggings, a blinding windbreaker, and sparkly sneaks. Look at me as I think about running! Look at me as the thought of going to the gym occurs to me! Look at me as the fit bit on my wrist, (no steps accrued), exists on my body. I am so happy!
A Red Corseted Ballgown
Is that even a thing? Well, it better be, because, Egad! Praise the gods of spring! I am just unbelievably ready to DANCE. I have emerged from the darkness of my moonlit depression and am now basking in the glory of the menacing sunlight. Who is ready to waltz, do the tango, salsa, or foxtrot? I don’t know how to do any of these dances, but I am on Lexipro, and have a lot of confidence!
A Wedding Dress
If exiting my crippling period of skeletal dead insided-ness has taught me anything, it’s that I am worthy of love. Not only am I worthy of it, I am ready for it. Back in winter time, I thought I was hideous, unlovable, and unmarriable. But now that the clouds have parted, it’s like, how about I just slap on a wedding dress and FIND LOVE, instead of wait for love to come me. My husband could be anywhere! My wedding could be any day! I’d cry from joy but I can’t because of my pills!
All Black Unitard to Mourn My Depression
Sure, this one’s a little out there my friends, but, hey now, my mania tells me that my depression, has in fact, died. It is so dead, that it must be mourned with a black sexual garment, aka, this organ compressing unitard. It looks weird but my body affirmations are working so I don’t care!
A Rainbow Bikini and Rainbow Wig
It’s not summer, but my mood says it may as well be. No harm in busting out my joyous and promiscuous Lisa Frank alter ego. Let’s go to the beach! Let’s register for a beauty pageant! Let’s frolick in the grass! I am on mood stabilizers!
Oops, I just got arrested for indecent exposure. It’s okay. Honestly, during springtime, nothing gets me down! Take a look at my body. Pretty hot in handcuffs. I don’t remember what sadness even IS! Take me to jail, sire! Happy spring everyone!