I have had what I’ve heard people who are pragmatic enough to go to therapy say that their therapists tell them is a breakthrough.
After years and years worrying about my soft, un-athletic, boneless (? remains to be proven) body I realized I have been wasting my thoughts and energy on something that is – as I saw in a moment of enlightenment – NOT the true problem, despite what women’s magazines have tempted me to believe.
I spent an hour in the gym laboring over what I thought was my biggest flaw. Going from the treadmill to the two pound weights to the exit and spending day after day not returning, but definitely considering it. Considering it to the point where it would occupy my thoughts at the very least once in a while. I was obsessed.
When potential employers ask, “What’s your biggest flaw?” they want you to tell them how whatever way you’re a fuck up professionally leads back to actually being…your strength! Gasp! A twist!
But, in reality whenever I hear that dreaded question I can’t help but think, “Is it my arms? My legs? My stomach? Or is my greatest flaw just my body as a whole?”
That all changed the other night. There I was, seven years deep in a complete stranger’s Instagram, my common sense begging me to stop or at least be way more careful because I had several close calls almost accidentally liking posts from spring of 2012.
What my brain did next sent seismic ripples through everything I once believed to be true about myself. She (yes my brain is a woman, problem?) said, “No, go deep dive into their cousin’s friend’s sister account.”
And I did. That’s when it hit me. My true greatest flaw has nothing to do with my physical appearance. It’s my shitty, terrible brain.
The signs had been there all along. Who watches Star Wars but could NOT tell you the plot because all their brain could do while viewing was repeatedly think, “Luke is a hunty. Luke is a hunty. Luke is a hunty,” and then goes out into the world most worried that their boobs are not the good shape?
I can work out and go on runs as much as I want. I can get cut and ripped and even if I ever find out if I do indeed have some sort of bone structure, I will still have my brain that instructs me to crunch down on cold leftover Carrabba’s fries out of my fridge at 2 a.m., as if forgetting each time how disgusting cold fries are. And isn’t that, in its own way, beautiful? Gasp, twist!
They say true nirvana is having a brain and body of equal shittiness but something tells me my brain might always remain shittier than my body.
When I think about it, my shitty body is just a perception of the patriarchal standards imposed on women and the truth is, when you take that all away I think I’m kinda hot (all women are, it’s a rule and who am I to be an exception). But my brain? That goes Beep Beep Honk Honk all on its own.
And I guess…that’s why my biggest flaw is also my biggest strength. Does that answer your question? Wow this interview was so fun, can’t wait to hear about next steps, looking forward to talking again soon!