Some Questions About the Product You Wish to Return

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Although we want all customers to be satisfied with their purchases, due to rampant and disturbing abuse, our “no questions asked” returns policy is no longer in effect. The following is a list of questions and clarifications we reserve the right to ask should you wish to return a product.

  1. Were you unsatisfied with the product?
  2. If you contacted a customer service representative, was the experience helpful?
  3. Was the product defective?
  4. Wait, are these bloodstains?
  5. No, don’t you walk away from me. Is this blood?
  6. Whose blood is this? WHOSE BLOOD IS THIS?
  7. It’s Kevin’s, isn’t it?
  8. Kevin loved you like a brother. You monster.
  9. How could you do this?
  10. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.
  11. What is his mother going to think? His wife? HIS KIDS???
  12. You get away from me, you hear? I don’t want any part of this.
  13. I said get AWAY! Guards? GUARDS! There’s been a MURDER! A murder, I say!
  14. ‘Twas he who shot the man! Take him away!

All customers who wish to return any product are entitled to an attorney and may decline to answer any question which may incriminate them in a court of law. Thank you for your business!

 

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