Nightmares I’ve Had About THE ACT (The Story of Gypsy and DeeDee Blanchard)


(It helps if you’ve seen the show)

  • I am trapped in Missouri with an aging Chloe Sevigny.
  • I am being choked to death by a giant stuffed animal named DeeDee.
  • I am bound to a chair. Patricia Arquette is God. She cackles as a giant tidal wave of blended up pizza juice crashes down on me and kills me.
  • I am living in a castle made of candy. The only way to survive is to eat the walls. I feast on the walls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Years pass. When I turn 18, all of my teeth fall out of my mouth. They are rotten from the sugar. As I lean down to collect my disgusting teeth, I trip over one of the decayed bicuspids, hit my head on a candy banister and perish instantly.
  • I am wrestling a baby cobra snake. Out of nowhere, it turns into a feeding tube with a face and mouth. “Who are you?” I yell. The feeding tube responds in an extremely high pitched voice, “I’m hulu, bitch.” The feeding tube strangles me to death.
  • Patricia Arquette gets shanked during her Oscar acceptance speech. Working as a lowly usher at the Oscars, I dash after the shanker. When I corner him backstage I realize that he is none other than my online boyfriend. Dammit Jerry, ya dumb idiot!
  • I make a hot steaming vat of gumbo. I feed it to my family. They start to complain that it tastes funny. I suddenly realize that this was the gumbo that I put lethal rat poison in. I run around the yard screaming, ” Wrong batch! Wrong batch!” But it’s too late. My family is dead, their bodies sadly strewn across my ugly yard.
  • I am a doctor. I receive a letter in the mail that says, “You’re going to be doctor of the year.” I am ecstatic until I remember that I’m not a doctor. I am a janitor posing as a doctor. I take the award anyway. At the award ceremony, the other doctors douse me in Coca Cola and scream, “Fraud!”
  • I steal ninety blue necklaces from Target with my daughter. The cops chase us. A representative from child protective services is also on our tail. And older looking Chloe Sevigny is gaining on us. Middle aged Missouri-looking women chase after us too. Doctors are right behind us. An army of stuffed animals is also right behind us. The same online boyfriend is definitely also right behind us. My daughter and I slip on a pile of pizza juice, candy, feeding tubes, shanking materials, gumbo, and coca cola. We try to survive the fall, but we both die instantly.
  • I dream the actual plot.

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