Things To Do While Waiting For The Results Of The Mueller Investigation To Be Released To The Public


Watch the entirety of Game of Thrones. Twice. Read the books to compare differences. Rethink the pros and cons of monarchy as a form of government.

Write Anderson Cooper fan fiction.

Save print newspapers. Cut out phrases referring to the investigation, such as “indicted,” “any day now,” “smoking gun,” “recuse,” and “collusion.” Consider saving the print cutouts for confetti for the party you will throw when the report is released. Get impatient. Use them instead to write angsty found poetry or arrange them into a picture of Barack Obama and put at your bedside to help you fall asleep at night.

Learn a foreign language. Research how to apply for citizenship in the countries where this language is spoken. Renew your passport.

Make a account. Learn video editing. Apply your skills to make a video collage of Chris Cuomo raising his eyebrows to varying degrees. Set the movement of his eyebrows to “Cake by the Ocean” by DNCE.

Read Paul Manafort’s Wikipedia article. Read every Wikipedia article linked to by Paul Manafort’s Wikipedia article. Develop an encyclopedic knowledge of post-Soviet Ukrainian politics.

Read all 1004 pages of Bleak House, by Charles Dickens. Find that whole Jarndyce and Jarndyce case a lot more relatable than when you were forced to read snippets of Bleak House in your pre-law class. Acquire pet birds, and name them after those who have been indicted.

Make risotto the right way, by slowly and patiently adding the liquid, a skill you learned from an article your friend shared on Facebook three years ago detailing the scandalous risotto recipe found in Hillary Clinton and John Podesta’s hacked emails. Remember 2016. Remember Hillary’s emails. Get out a bottle of wine to pair with your finished risotto. No glass necessary.

Get your doctorate. Write a dissertation on the Psychological Implications of the Prolonged Teasing of the General Public.

Familiarize yourself with the Trump Golf Count. Take up golf. Take as many daytime golfing trips as Trump has while president. See how long it takes before you are fired from your job.

Go on 50 bad Tinder dates. Getting ghosted by strange men who quote The Office and are learning home brewing will be a short-lived distraction from getting ghosted by the true object of your heart’s affection—Robert Mueller’s team of investigators.

Fall asleep in your chair, watching CNN with a bottle of vodka. Again.

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