March 5 Day Weather Report—As Told By Someone Who Doesn’t Believe in Global Warming

smiling woman standing beside trees covered by snow
Photo by Anastasiya Gepp on


Don’t panic, fluctuating temperatures are completely normal.

Welcome back to sunny Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! Today is a high of 40 degrees and a low of 29 degrees, partly cloudy, and definitely very normal for March on the East Coast. Absolutely nothing to worry about here!

Well folks, looks like we’re headed for a bit of a cold spell today with a high in the mid-twenties and a low of 14 degrees. You know what they say about a groundhog seeing his shadow and it looks like we can all be expecting six more weeks of winter this time around! There’s nothing more scientific than a groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil, I mean, he lives in nature. He gets what’s up. Bundle up and remember that winter is SUPPOSED to be chilly!

Good morning Philadelphia! Grab your sunglasses and a cool beverage because today is balmy and 50 degrees. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and, for the history of the earth, all 6,000 years, fluctuating temperatures have been completely normal. Please stop panicking, everything is fine. This happened last year. Plus, it was cold yesterday, remember? HA!

Oh boy, if you’re getting off of work early today then gas up your Hummer and head on home—starting this afternoon we can expect a blizzard heading in from the west, wind up to 40 miles per hour, and 6 to 12 inches accumulating by sunrise. Are you happy now? This is the winter you WANTED 2 minutes ago. Take that, Al Gore! And the next time someone with a Prius tries to tell you that the polar bears are dying, just tell them to look at all the snow outside. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

I’ll be damned, but, after a record snowfall of nearly 20 inches last night,  it sounds like the high today is 73 degrees and sunny. So, please stop freaking out and, instead, head to the beach to catch some PERFECTLY NORMAL rays of sunshine! And, remember, just like Ben Carson says, don’t believe everything you hear. Sure temperatures have hit a record high this morning, but, a little dying birdy told me that we may be getting some flurries by the afternoon. Fingers crossed for another chilly March snow day!

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