by Caitie Karasik
Hi I’m [male first name] [male last name].
I’m standing here with my [female adjective that suggests strength but in a less threatening way] wife, [woman’s first name] [same last name – don’t use her maiden name]. She taught me everything I know. She put me through [name of Ivy League law school]. She is the queen of my [heart] and my [dick].
Enough about her. I want to be president for all the women of America.
I want our young daughters [female nickname that ends in “ie”] and [female nickname that ends in “y”] to know they can do whatever they want if they work hard in this country. They can be a [synonym for slut] or a [synonym for virgin]. They can get a [phrase that suggests abortion] if they [verb that means to need something as an absolute last resort].
I don’t want them to go through what my [female adjective that means “good mom”] mom went through. She was so [female adjective for smart – smart but in a feminine way]. I wish she could have been president instead of raising me. Pause for laughs. Nevertheless, she [synonym for persisted because Elizabeth Warren has trademarked that word by now]. She is a [synonym for angel].
I want to be president because my competitor [name of the one female Democratic opponent that makes it to this stage of the race] doesn’t have the [male adjective like determination or ambition – you know, things men have] to take us to the finish line.
She is a [synonym for shrew]. She makes my [
dick blood] [ hard boil].
The only way forward is together. That’s why I always say [slogan of female opponent but changed slightly].
I want to be your [
white Obama synonym for hero]. I want to be your president.
I [synonym for deserve] it. And the [synonym for brave – don’t actually use brave because only men who shoot guns are brave] women of America do too.