The Earth Will Be Uninhabitable In Twelve Years, Please Just Let Me Use This Expired Coupon Code

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Climate change experts think we’ve got, what, twenty to thirty years before the planet becomes incapable of sustaining human life? And you’ve got to figure that last decade or so will see the collapse of human civilization and massive loss of life, so realistically, that probably puts us at ten, twelve livable years, tops. Really makes you think, huh? Specifically, it makes me think that I should be allowed to use the coupon code DENIMLUV19 for 10% off my entire purchase even though yes, it technically expired last night at midnight.

Look, I’m not going to act like I have some profound philosophical justification here. Who cares? You don’t care. You’re a massively wealthy corporation that uses sweatshop labor to produce enormous quantities of low-quality clothes, most of which end up in landfills anyway. So why not save me a trip to the landfill? I know you have no clue what the lives of non-one-percenters are like, so just take my word for it that we are all constantly hanging out in landfills.

My point is, when we’re fighting a world war over access to clean water in five years, is it really going to matter whether I paid $45 or $40.50 plus tax and shipping? Heck, I bet on the International Mars Colony for the Extremely Wealthy you guys won’t even use dollars anymore. And wouldn’t it be nice to gaze down through your high-powered telescopes to see me, on the front lines, repping the number one lifestyle retailer for boho-chic, combat-friendly apparel?

Of course, I get that this is precisely what you guys were banking on: some dumb, broke millennial sees a coupon code that expires “3/19 at midnight!” and thinks, “Sweet! I have until Tuesday!” and then goes back to picking through the landfill for copper nuggets. And later when they go to click redeem, they realize their misunderstanding and burst into tears for reasons that honestly might have less to do with the coupon and more to do with the omnipresent hopelessness and dread for their future before they eventually calm down and microwave a bag of frozen peas for dinner and then fall asleep just as they realize they forgot to take their antidepressant this morning. Yes, I know this is exactly what your sales team planned on.

So great job. You win. Now give me my mildly discounted “Karynn Tencel Romper with Ruched Waist.”

You know, I used to be wary of buying rompers because I was worried they’d go out of style in the future. But now that there is no future, it’s adult onesies for the literal rest of time, baby. My shirt is my pants and my pants are my only pants because the rest of my belongings were lost in the catastrophic flooding of coastal metropolitan areas in 2025. I’m the comfiest gal in the militarized cave settlement.

I hope I’m not coming off as demanding or entitled. You know, I really think the world ending could be a great business opportunity for you guys. Since none of us are saving up for a house or retirement, we can spend all our money on chunky sneakers and $60 faux-vintage flannels. And they only have to be well-made enough to last a dozen or so years.

 

As for me? I just want to see some of the beauty in this world before it’s all gone. I’d like to drive up and see the Redwoods. And if I’m wearing a piece of clothing I have to take all the way off to pee, well, I’m sure the Redwoods will see greater atrocities soon enough.

Anyway, yes, I’ll hold for a manager.

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