More Relevant Metrics for Men To Care About Than How Many Sexual Partners I’ve Had

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  • How many streaming services I have the passwords for: A logical man should just be out there looking for that one, final HBONOW login to complete his collection. Also, he can give my password out to all future sexual partners as a way to seduce them – I’ve been known as a great stepping stone!
  • How many minutes apart our apartments are: That’s about 12 metrics right there – subway, Uber, Lyft (if he’s woke), helicopter (if he’s rich), or walking (if he exercises – the most embarrassing of all).
  • How many beers I like on the first date: This is also a great way to find out how many sexual partners I’ve had.
  • My Erdos Number: How many degrees-removed I am from publishing a paper with Hungarian mathematician Paul Erdos.
  • My Bacon Number: How many pieces of bacon I’d like with breakfast.
  • How many condoms you can claim are “too small” before I stop believing you know how to put one on: This has never made sense to me — didn’t you buy those condoms? Shouldn’t you know if they fit?
  • How many days it took me to read Infinite Jest: 0 – the trick is not to.
  • How many of my past sexual partners have told me I must read Infinite Jest: This also gives away exactly how many of my sexual partners went to Oberlin.  
  • How many Twitter followers I have: This is the number of people who will be notified if you mansplain impeachment to me, so be careful.
  • How many people Mueller’s indicted: Yes, I hate mansplaining in general, but if you can simplify this investigation and relay it to me in an engaging fashion over cocktails, I would be grateful.
  • My weight: I will destroy you.
  • How many kickboxing championships I would like to watch with them and their friends at the “Fighter Cat” bar in Brooklyn: Men often assume the answer to this is 1 or 2, but no need to go the extra mile! 0 is fine!  
  • How many minutes it takes me to reach orgasm: I just want them to know that they’re worse than average. Or that they’re nothing more than average. Or that they’re above average, should that situation ever arise.
  • How I reach orgasm: This isn’t a metric per se but it’s just way too relevant to leave off this list.
  • How much money I’ve donated to Planned Parenthood because I prioritize women’s sexual health: OK, I don’t actually donate “money”, but I’ve done at least 4 stand up comedy benefits for them, and nothing screams “WOMEN’S HEALTH” like me with a big microphone.
  • How many times I’ve called men out for slut-shaming women: 46 times in my head, and once in person. Stop it, Dad!
  • How many men I haven’t slept with because they asked how many sexual partners I’ve had: 4 – consider yourself warned.
  • Big data: It’s the future. All metrics matter!
  • How many other men are trying to sleep with me: jk you already know this one!!

 

 

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