In case you haven’t got enough to worry about! xo
Some of us are created to be so beautiful that it’s a curse. The powers that be are so overwhelmed by the perfection of what they have created that, in a last-minute attempt to prevent everyone else from feeling awful, they strike their creation with one fatal flaw: hands larger than those of an eleven year-old boy. Scandalous. But don’t worry your pretty head! Help is at hand… lol.
Voilà, a series of casual poses to disguise the fact that you have hands large enough to hold more than a few grapes, a small bird’s egg or an iPod nano.
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- The Desktop Disguise
One of the most challenging locations for those of us cursed with sizeable slappers is the office. In this modern world, we are forced to use computer keyboards in order to work, leaving us vulnerable, with our fearsome fists on full display.
But don’t panic! This tricky sitch can be easily avoided with one simple move: just lift your keyboard off the desk and pop it on your lap, leaving your hands free to remain under the tabletop and out of sight of those judgmental co-workers. Sure, when you get into your typing groove, it might look like you’re aggressively fingering yourself, but who cares when your boss is planning your next promotion based on the amount of work you’re getting done with what she assumes are some seriously slender shakers?
- The Nicole Kidman
Remember that time when Nicole Kidman clapped at the Oscars and it looked like she was trying to swat away two flies at once? You do? Good*, because this classic pose will come in handy (pun fully intended) when you’re caught short without a convenient hand-hiding spot. Make like Nicole and arch your hands backwards, clapping them so quickly that no one will be able to tell where they begin and end among that weird blur. Plus, who’s going to be thinking about the size of your hands you’re incessantly flapping the whole time? Job done!
*If you don’t, then please consult Pose #1 for tips on how to go about Googling it.
- The Girl Scout Fake Out
“On my honor, I will do my best… to use my old-school Scout skills to hide my MASSIVE hands”. Okay, maybe that’s not exactly how it went, but the idea was basically there. The most useful tip I learnt as a Girl Scout was not how to tie a knot, bake a cake or host a gentle mid-afternoon gathering for the elderly; instead, the lesson that we ought to be recalling is that of the Scouts’ salute – that is, holding up three fingers on one hand, as opposed to the traditional five.
While some might see this as “awkward”, “unnecessary” or “what the f*ck is she doing” for a grown adult, we members of the Cult of the Gargantuan Grabbers can instead see it as a handy illusion. Going about your daily tasks with a total of only six active fingers will immediately make you seem delicate and petite, like a baby butterfly (but not a caterpillar – gross) or the clumsy-yet-secretly-hot lead in a Netflix rom-com.
- The Chardonnay Sip
At a social occasion that requires you to hold a wine glass? Fear not! What might previously have put a spotlight on your meaty mitts can instead be the ideal opportunity to demonstrate just how environmentally conscious you are. Whip out a chic, reusable metal straw, which will allow for a hands-free drinking experience – perfect, when your fingers are occupied by the pulse of Mother Nature.
- The Secret Sleeve
For the craftier folks among you, this is gold. Grab a sewing machine, and use strips of old fabric to extend the sleeves of your shirts. Then, find a marker pen that matches your skin tone, and on these extended sections, draw pictures of petite, delicate hands – you can even add a cute manicure! When you wear these newly-lengthened sleeves, people will think they’re seeing your genuine fists when, in fact, all that will meet their eyes is your gorgeous faux paws.
- Wrist for Days, Honey
On second thought, who needs hands at all, eh? If the above tips sound like too much maintenance for a busy kid like you, chat to your local cosmetic surgeon for advice on how to get rid of your pesky pincers, once and for all. You could even donate them to charity, you adorable angel!
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And there it is! All you need to know to make your hands seem dainty and delicate – because in today’s wonderful world, what else is there to worry about?