If you are a woman who bleeds then you know you MUST hide any indication that it’s your time of the month from all males in the surrounding area. We all know the tampon up your sleeve trick, but like, what if you’re wearing a sundress? There are tons of creative ways to hide your tampon from men. I mean god forbid they see a tampon, right!?
Becky from payroll needs a tampon. After she army crawls on the ground from her desk over to yours and whisper asks you for help, give her a slow nod signaling that you got the goods. Do a quick scan of the room to make sure none of your fellow co-workers are looking in your direction. Then, set a small fire in the trash can next to your desk as a distraction. As people start smelling smoke and panicking, now is your chance to reach into your Vera Bradley crossbody bag for a tampon and hand it to Becky. No one will suspect a thing.
The shy girl at the co-ed pool party unexpectedly got her monthly gift. If you’re the one with the tampon ask all the other girls at the party to pick a number between 1 and 10. Whoever guesses it has to take a shit in the pool. This way all the boys will run away disgusted and you can make a smooth transfer.
Your BFF needs a tampon in the middle of biology class. DON’T PANIC. Instead, start stuffing the Think Thin bar you were saving for later into your mouth at a rapid pace. When you start to choke make eye contact with your friend. That will signal her to give you the Heimlich maneuver. As she wraps her arms around your waist quickly transfer the tampon from your pocket into hers.
Become a drug dealer. Nothing crazy, just marijuana. Let it be known that you sell weed. This way, when you’re out in public and there’s a woman in need, she can pretend to buy weed off you when actually you’re slipping her a tampon. Make sure it’s a super shady looking transaction so that people notice but they’ll be like “oh she’s previously established herself as a drug dealer, so that checks out.”
If you’re out shopping with a friend and she suddenly needs a tampon, you have to act fast. Head for the nearest Forever 21. When you get there, start shoplifting aggressively. Shove crop tops into your bag, those necklaces that break before you even get home, the sour patch kids by the checkout that have probably been there since 2009 — TAKE IT ALL. As you leave the store, the sensors will go off. The mall police officer will arrive, take your bag and dump it all out. While they’re distracted gathering all the stolen items, that’s when your friend will appear saying that her son is missing somewhere in the mall. As the police officer makes a call about the lost boy, grab their gun. Another cop will come as back up and shoot you in a moment of panic. At your funeral service your friend will give a eulogy. As she turns to the open casket to say her last goodbye, she will remove the tampon from your clenched fist.