CORRECTION: If Feminists Ever Achieve Absolute Power In America, We’ll Make All Men Horses

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Chris Hayes is what every man would be if feminists ever achieve absolute power in this country,” Carlson said. “Apologetic, bespectacled and deeply, deeply concerned about global warming and the patriarchal systems that cause it.” -Tucker Carlson April 2, 2019

Tucker Carlson once again showed his brazen ineptitude yesterday when he commented Chris Hayes is what every man would be if feminists ever achieve absolute power in America. As we all know, that is simply not true and a hurtful perversion of the feminist agenda. What we really want is to make all men horseys.

While yes, in the current state of the country where surgically converting all men to strong, beautiful animals isn’t yet attainable, feminists do appreciate when a man is apologetic for things they’ve done wrong. However, that’s all fluff compared to the promise of luscious manes and everlasting, playful whinnies. I can’t believe I have to say this is 2019, but the women’s movement is a trot towards the annihilation of human men.

Carlson also misinterpreted our goals of wanting to address climate change as being for the good of ‘humanity’. This is the problem with myopic reporting: you miss the actual point. We need a healthy Earth to ensure that after the revolution when all men are captured and sent to factories for conversion therapy, they have plenty of fields to frolic and neigh into.

If you think about it, horses are beautiful creatures. Their manes are so lustrous, their bodies are rock hard. They have hooves — who does that?! Definitely not men, I can tell you that. Plus, they all have huge dicks! Let us relieve the burden of manhood, they’ll just have to be stallions after we ascend. Men may be resistant to the revolution in the beginning but we feminists firmly believe that, after living as the most majestic animals in history, men will come around to the reality it’s the best option for them to not be humans.

We will not be inhumane, the government will ensure every horse gets a stable with a paddock, plenty of oats, and a ration of 3 apples a day to be fed at sunrise, once after a quick canter, and once again at sunset. All horseshoes will be taxed as luxury items. Men can earn money in these new roles by getting jobs as police horses, in petting zoos, letting women dress them is silly outfits, or as performers in dressage competitions.

Feminists, we really have been misunderstood for so long. Tied down by these pernicious stereotypes that we seek equality, our master plan of a 3 to 1 horse to woman ratio has been skewed for too long. When we talk about the fact that, due to wage inequities, women need to save 18% of their earnings compared to men’s 10% to lead the same quality of life in retirement, we aren’t saying it to help men understand our plight in America, it’s so they understand why we want all men to cease being men and become horses.

Although we’ve all lost hope of Tucker Carlson understanding what feminism is about, I had to try and set the record straight. We’re not trying to make men effeminate, weak, and apologetic. We’re trying to make them into horses.

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