Former Frat Bros: I’m never going down this road again. Harry – he was a Sigma Chi at Dartmouth, and all he ever wanted to do was chug beer, watch football, and drink nail polish. Clearly, all frat bros are like this – I can’t do any more ER trips. None of the doctors were even hot!
Coworkers: Ugh, my former coworker Emilio was horrible to date. Mostly because he told HR that I was waiting outside his apartment every night! And I’m like, no, you hadn’t actually agreed to go out with me, but you were going to, so calm down! I’m never getting involved with a coworker again — there’s too much risk involved. I value my career. Fortunately, it has been easier to resist them since I did get fired and am now unemployed.
Younger Men (Boys): I dated Frank, 2 weeks younger than me, and he died. So, yeah, done with boys. I need a mature man, one who can stay alive. For me.
The Ones I Meet Off Tinder: I’ve seriously never met a good guy off Tinder. My first experience was a message that said “want2bang?” It’s like, buy me dinner before you concatenate words. I mean, yes, I did go out with him and no one else, but still – the app is grimy. Also, he turned out to not even want2bang, plus the towels he stole weren’t cheap. There’s just no way I could ever meet a good guy on Tinder, so it’s dead to me.
The Ones I Meet Through Friends: My friend Abby set me up with Stephan who broke up with me while I was on my period. Can you even believe that? Well, I wasn’t on my period, but I was going to get it in the next 10 days. And anyone who read my tweets knew that. So, no, I will never accept another date through friends because even my closest friends are out to get me.
Men Over 5’8”: Jeremiah was 5’9”, and I blame his height for the fact that his job moved him to the East Coast. I imagine they relocated him only because he was tall. He was a biologist who ran experiments on mice.
Men Under 5’11”: Jeremiah was also under 5’11”. No more shorties!
Momma’s Boys: Paul talked to his mom on the phone every day, and I cheated on him.
College-Educated Dudes: My ex went to college, and he dumped me for a younger woman who wasn’t even mature enough to have herpes, so yeah, alma mater? More like “alma rather-not.”
Men with Abs: I’ve actually never dated one of these, I just don’t like the idea of it.
Anyone who came out of a vagina: Every man who’s ever called me a needy has come out of a vagina. I just feel certain that they’re projecting their frustration with the inadequate living arrangements onto me. Sorry for being anti-feminist, but I’m confident that in 30 years there will be other ways of manufacturing humans (and I intend to age well).
Mortals: You know how I feel about men leaving me. Why can’t I just find a nice, handsome, rich, kind man who drank from the Sorcerer’s Stone and isn’t afraid to introduce me to his friends? I’d also settle for a turtle as long as I know for sure that he has 300 years left.
People: Honestly, I just haven’t had a great experience.