Sleepover Schedule For Anxious Boys

boy leaning on glass
Photo by Artem on

3:30pm – Meet up with your long-time best friend outside of school and wait for his two new friends that you only sort of know through organized sports.
3:40pm – Depart for your friend’s house, being careful to walk two steps behind him as his new friends call everyone you’ve ever known a “stupid faggot”.
4:00pm – Drop stuff off at your friend’s house and have a snack. Ask for fruit, like a tangerine or some grapes or something and then realize that you said “fruit” out loud and will surely be added to the “list of faggots” from earlier. Soak in this new discovery as you switch your choice snack to a package of Dunkaroos. Try to enjoy those.
4:30pm – Walk to the nearest piece of public land and discuss how much cooler it would be if you had a lighter.
5:10pm – Stand outside a convenience store as you watch your friend and his two new friends that you only sort of know through organized sports buy a lighter.
5:25pm – Insist that the only reason you don’t want to smoke a handful of leaves rolled in an old piece of paper you found in the trash is because you “already did it yesterday”. Think about those Dunkaroos- what are they doing to your insides?
5:30pm – See what other things you, your friend, and the two kids you only sort-of know through organized sports can light on fire. Experiment with erasers, your clothes, human hair, and farts.
5:45pm – Head back towards your friend’s house with the conviction that you are quite possibly the only person in the world so lucky as to be included in the daring adventures of these other three people. If they find out what a loser you are these hijinks will come to a close. Fear that day.
6:10pm – Stare into your plate of macaroni and cheese as you contemplate how on Earth you’re going to change from your regular clothes into your pajamas without either A) letting anyone see your tiny little dick that you’re convinced is so undersized it’s a medical mystery or B) looking like a loser for changing in the bathroom.
7:00pm – Sit quietly as your friend and his two new friends who you only sort of know through organized sports play video games. Insist that you “prefer to watch”. Debate whether or not the “faggot list” extends to people who watch others play video games.
7:02pm – Excuse yourself to pee
7:03pm – Stare into a mirror and think about what a complete fool you made of yourself for using the word “prefer”. Change into your pajamas while looking at a penis that you are convinced is so undersized it must be a medical mystery.
7:30pm – Agree that Halloween is definitely the movie you want to watch.
9:15pm – Brush your teeth suspended in a state or near-paralysis as you think about what you’ve just seen. Look over at your friend and the two kids you only sort-of know through organized sports and tell them how much fun you’re having.
9:30pm – Lie on the floor in your sleeping bag and whisper a small prayer to yourself, wherein you ask the divine Powers That Be to spare you a nocturnal emission.
9:32pm – Pick which spot on the ceiling will be your friend for the next 6-8 hours.
11:30pm – Pretend to wake up by opening your eyes very dramatically when one of the kids you only sort-of know through organized sports taps your foot. Agree that, yes, you’d absolutely like him to turn the tv to the static channel that may or may not have softcore porn playing.
11:37pm – Sit in silence as everyone masturbates to the static channel. Think about asking whether hardened cum makes anyone else’s pj’s uncomfortable, but then think better of it. You don’t want to be called “gay.”
11:40pm – Reacquaint yourself with your friend on the ceiling.

8:30am – Try not to spill too much milk as you shakily bring a spoonful of Frosted Flakes towards your mouth, mumbling to yourself like a shell-shocked infantryman from WWI.
9:15am – Insist to your friend’s mom that you are fine when she asks finds you crying in a closet. It’s just how you play hide-and-seek.
9:20am – Tell your friend that you had the best time ever and can’t wait to do it again.
9:30am – Step into your mom’s car convinced that this will be the last time you ever get to experience a sleepover because you are about to lose all your friends. They think you’re gay and you have a tiny dick and you don’t even wanna smoke garbage.
9:31am – Hope beyond hope that you will be invited to another sleepover.

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