An “Artist’s” Tax Deductions

money pink coins pig
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“Audition travel” (I hardly audition.)

Every Uber I took in a blackout at 3 am, every single metrocard swipe, full $100 summons for jumping the subway turnstile, plane ticket to  Barbados for an “audition”, mobile Citibike expenses, tacos I bought on the way to “more auditions”, the scooter I bought, my skateboard repair fee, my roller blades warranty, multiple go cart rides at amusement park, bumper cars coins, ferris wheel tickets, totaling $2,345.58

“Research on Acting” (I work at an office.)

Hulu, netflix, Amazon prime, Moviepass before after and during their journey to bankruptcy, Online Sundance subscription, HBO subscription, the ice cream sandwiches I bought while watching US, the popcorn I purchased for a home screening of The Favourite, the vodka nutcrackers I bought at an outdoor screening of Blazing Saddles, My laptop aka entertainment center, my kindle, my iPhone aka my portable entertainment center, my porn hub subscription, tickets to see Trevor Noah, tickets to see Taylor Swift, Tickets to Vegas to see Lady Gaga’s Enigma, tickets to see A Star is Born four times in theaters, tickets to see my friend’s Hunger Games parody musical, tickets to that slam poetry competition I blacked out at, liquor store purchases to get into character as “Blanche” from Streetcar (for fun, I wasn’t cast in an actual play), liquor store purchases to celebrate going to auditions (once a year), liquor store purchases to mourn the competitive nature of the business, liquor for a party saturated with industry (my one friend Sally who’s trying to be an agent) Bic pens I bought to write stuff about acting, Bathbombs from Lush to help me think about acting in the tub, totaling $9,854.89

“Costumes & Make Up” (I haven’t been on stage in years.)

Every trip to H&M I made in a blackout. (sorry I blacked out so much this year.) That gown I bought to emulate Rachel Weisz’s gown in The Favourite, the red suit and pair of scissors I bought for next year’s US themed Halloween, the color pallete I purchased to look exactly like Ally from A Star is Born at her SNL debut performance, all the clothing I purchased from any and all of the Kardashians. All the eye kits I purchased off Kylie’s website, clothes and make up I bought for my poodle so we could match, clothes I bought for my nieces and nephews (I’m “writing” a play about them.) A dress I purchased for my mother, ( we “did a reading” of August Osage County together) Underwear, thongs, all of my S&M gear, pads, tampons, diva cups ( I consider my feminine products part of clothing, and thus they are costumes), tampon for my dog too (she was in a dog show) totaling $8,345.09

“Other Performer Expenses” 

Prostitutes, whores, sex party door fees. Foot fetish modeling kit. Fur coat, a ton of masks. Eyes wide shut on DVD. (All to deepen my character and thus be a better artiste!) Totaling $10,657.98

Now gimme that sweet return baby, so I can GO TO EUROPE, I mean, invest in my career of course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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