You’ve lived next to Tabitha since you moved to the neighborhood 11 years ago. You ASSUMED she was a commercial jet pilot who worked from home, or something, but now you are starting to think maybe, just maybe, there is something more to Tabitha that you’ve missed for the past 11 years. When’s the last time you had a conversation with her? Never? The last time you saw her leave her house? Tuesday? Yesterday? 7 years ago? You can’t really recall. In fact, have you ever seen her fly a 737 jumbo jet out of her house? I didn’t think so. That’s because she has NEVER LEFT HER PROPERTY. Perhaps her ability to levitate which you also ASSUMED was a side effect of piloting a plane is actually because she’s NOT ALIVE and a POLTERGEIST. Here are the obvious signs you’re probably most definitely missing:
- There is a “Ghosts are People Too” bumper sticker on a decaying stagecoach in her yard.
- When she tries to run off the property she ends up back inside her house.
- When you give her a friendly wave to say hello she slowly disappears into the abyss.
- She stands and stares out her attic window for hours on end, sometimes weeks…without blinking, or moving, or eating, or anything else really.
- When she looks to the sky, flocks of dead ravens rain down into her yard as she maniacally laughs to herself.
- Toxic green fog rises out of her chimney at 3:00 a.m. every night accompanied by her screams “why me! WHY! I SUMMON THE ONE WHO HAS FORSAKEN ME.”
- Every Thursday night at 9:12 p.m. Tabitha stands in a tattered white dress and sobs beneath an old oak tree. At 9:14 p.m. she climbs down into a stone well for the night.
- You hear echoes of children giggling as Tabitha sings “Ring Around the Rosie” but when you look out your window no one is there. Except for Tabitha, who is staring directly at you. She smiles, her teeth fall out and she crawls off into the darkness.
- She hangs a “Caution: Haunting in Progress” sign on her front door.
- TAPS vans are frequently parked outside her house. After 6 minutes indoors, the camera crew sprints out of the house screaming “it’s POSSESSED! The devil is alive and well!!”.
- A new priest comes to her home every Sunday with an exorcism kit. Once they enter, they are never seen again.
- Tabitha sits in a rocking chair on her porch and reads “How to Swap Souls with a Living Human Being and Free Yourself from the Limitations of Purgatory”.
- She mails you alarming letters that ask “Do you have plans for the blood moon on Friday the 13th? Come sacrifice yourself to set me free. – Tabitha”
- You notice an ad in your local newspaper:
Seeking to Swap Souls: Wednesday Ouija Nights to Resurrect the Dead.
Meet at Tabitha’s house.
FYI – Bring Your Own Refreshments. There will be NONE provided. But you won’t be alive long anyway.
- There is a tombstone in her yard that reads “Here lies Tabitha. Dead and ready to haunt since 1892. P.S. the airplane wasn’t invented until 1903 so I’m definitely not a pilot dumbass.”