A Beginner’s Guide to Fertility Forums

grayscale photography of woman holding ultrasound photo
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Those new to fertility forums may find themselves intimidated by the acronym shorthand used by the commenters. Here’s a handy guide (in alphabetical order) to navigate your experience – and help you participate yourself!

 

AF – Aunt Flo, or, got my period

 

AFAF – Bleeding out my vagina hard as fuck

 

AFNW – Aunt Flo not wanted

 

AFNSFW – Aunt Flo not safe for work because I’ll throw a stapler at the first person I see once I learn this last round of emotionally-crippling shots was pointless

 

AH – Assisted hatching

 

AHHHHHH – Please oh please I don’t want to do IVF

 

AI – Artificial insemination

 

AIAI – Artificial insemination done by a robot

 

ART – Assisted reproductive technology done in pointillist style

 

BA – Not, as one assumes, a bachelor’s degree of arts, but baby aspirin, because that’s what you care about now

 

BFN – Big fat negative pregnancy test

 

BFGW – My Big Fat Greek Wedding, an excellent movie to watch during hormonally-induced bouts of crying. Where’s MY mother to hold me to her bosom and feed me spanakopita?

 

BMS – Baby-making sex, and not, as one might assume, the plural of “bowel movement”

 

BOB – Baby on the brain. Also Bob, your next door neighbor who keeps asking after your fertility journey in an uncomfortable way.

 

CB – Cycle buddy, meaning someone who is on the same ovulation timeline as you, and who will also, occasionally, force you to go to spin class

 

GF – Gluten-free, which if your infertility is impacted by endometriosis, is something you may wish to consider

 

GFL – Good fucking luck actually sticking with that diet though

 

IPS – Imaginary pregnancy symptoms, which you will experience every two weeks before your period and lead you to search engine results like, “are you pregnant, or are you just a hangry bitch?”

IPO – Did you know your social stock price increases once you have kids? As a barren woman you’re not quite ready to go public so avoid neighborhood potlucks and other gatherings where you’ll be the only childless couple.

 

IUI – The turkey baster method

 

IVF – SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOT-SHOT-SHOTS!

 

LSC – Low sperm count

 

LSSC – The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. If you’re feeling low about your situation, get up to date on the impending fall our democracy!

 

MC – Miscarriage

 

MSC – Missed carriage (pre-1900s references only)

 

MF – Male factor infertility

 

MFSMFEMFU – I’m tired of this motherfucking sperm not penetrating my motherfucking egg and not implanting in my motherfucking uterus!

 

PG – Pregnant. Didn’t you learn that from watching the movie Grease?

 

RE – Reproductive endocrinologist

 

REI – Place where you spend too much money during an emotionally-charged period where you attempt to do “Wild”

 

SA – Semen analysis

 

SOS – Song by ABBA we suggest playing on repeat, especially during BMS

 

TTC – Trying to conceive

 

TLC – A reminder to stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to. Why do you think you can bypass God and grow a baby through science?? Also a reminder to be kind to yourself. This process is tough and you are tougher, but it’s okay not to be all the time.

 

VAG – Vagina. Like you needed a guide to tell you that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s