Hello, it is We again, the fans of Star Wars. Remember us? Well buckle up, because We’re back. This new declaration goes out to the showrunners of Game of Thrones, David Benioff and D.B Weiss. Pompous fucks.
We firmly acknowledge the importance and necessity of diversity in TV and Film, but We didn’t think you’d add in so many women, gays, and two black people.
We want to be clear, David and D.B: We see right through your pathetic attempts to stay relevant in today’s Hollywood: a hellhole of inclusive, feminist propaganda. You have shunned, insulted, and tossed aside the true fans of the fantasy genre when you acted without Our consent (a word Hollywood loves) by creating all these storylines that We don’t relate to and therefore don’t care about.
Unless our complaints are resolved in this final season, We believe it is both Our unalienable right, and Our destiny, to not only harass everyone involved with the show on twitter, but to do the one thing you never saw coming: boycott your merch.
You have denied us the female nudity We expect and deserve. You teased Us from as far back as the pilot with seeing Danaerys’s titties. We saw them up close, zoomed in, screen paused. Now no titties? It’s been several seasons, even a few sex scenes, and nothing. Actress Emilia Clarke said she was “getting harassed” by Us at comic cons and on the street, when in reality We were just telling her what We love most about her work: her titties. Do you think We give a damn that she’s a feminist? As if We would support that kind of blatant gender toxicity? No! Bring. Back. Her. Titties. Or else.
You have flippantly hired actors who don’t behave like Us. We saw a behind-the-scenes video of the Night King dancing to Drake in his dressing room, and it was an outrage. We can’t dance like that, and it’s important to us that no one else involved in fantasy can either.
You have soiled straight sex stuff by adding too much gay sex stuff. With the amount of gay stuff you’ve put in this series, We are having trouble suspending our disbelief. Did George R.R. Martin write this much gay stuff? We don’t know, We didn’t read the books. But probably not. Yara Greyjoy, Oberon Martell, Loras Tyrell, Renly Baratheon, all gay. How is this appropriate? There are children who watch Game of Thrones. Children. A quick note: the girl-on-girl stuff with Daenerys Targaryen is perfectly fine. More of that, please.
You have abandoned Our fandom by writing one-dimensional male characters. We’re sick of the women characters being the ones you guys actually spend time writing; pushing Hollywood’s sick agenda of masculine inferiority. Do you know how hard it is not to have anyone to fully identify with on-screen? We don’t consider ourselves as soft as Jon Snow, We’re more manly—like Tormund, but We’re not into butch-girls. We’re smart as hell like Tyrion, but We’re not short. Every other cool guy that We would normally identify with is either dead, mutilated, or gay. Fix this.
You have shamelessly attacked Us and Our negative opinions. You have written us off as racist, homophobic, entitled, overweight, straight white men, which is bullshit. We aren’t all straight white men, We also have one straight white woman: Britney. And she’s as fired up as the rest of Us. Also she’s hot, and has almost dated several of Us, which should tell you that we’re actually pretty good guys, all in all.
We, the fans of Star Wars (and Game of Thrones), do therefore, in the name of the old gods and the new, solemnly publish and declare our intentions should We find the final season of Game of thrones unsatisfactory per our complaints: to ruin your careers via twitter, to possibly redo the entire series ourselves and put it on Britney’s Youtube channel (which has over 150 subscribers), and to absolutely –with all our hearts– not buy any of your merch.
TO THESE ENDS, WE PLEDGE OUR OWN MERCHANDISE (Britney has an Etsy account she said We could use), OUR HONOR, AND OUR WALLETS.
WE, THE FANS OF STAR WARS (AND GAME OF THRONES)