I am totally obsessed with self-care, so when I was diagnosed with tuberculosis I thought — no biggie! I’ve already cured my depression and anxiety with biweekly mani-pedi appointments and somewhere between $50 – $2,334 worth of ASOS sweaters (I refuse to keep count because self-care means not paying attention to anything that will stress me out, like finances! Ew!)
Knowing exactly what I needed to do next, I went straight from the hospital to the CVS.
It’s next door but it wasn’t easy to get there because the doctors kept trying to block me and send me back to my room. Are doctors literally paid to be all, “You’re gravely ill” and “You need to be kept under strict observation”? Is that their job? Seriously, get a life, guys.
Once I finally snuck out I bought a quantity of sheet masks that I’m going to guesstimate is anywhere from 50 to 107 for an amount of money I will never know because I’ve trained myself to black out whenever a cashier tells me an “amount due.” Plus, I never take a receipt or check a bank statement. Like I told you, I’m a self-care FIEND. I know what I’m doing!
Well, it’s been a month since then and I’ve spent 30 minutes post-shower every night with a damp sheet of various serums clinging to my face. I cannot emphasize enough that my skin looks amazing. I’m luminous. I’m glowing.
And yet…I continue to cough up more blood? It doesn’t add up.
No pimples, no blackheads in sight; skin SO clear I can actually pull off wearing a full face of Glossier makeup. And, I truly couldn’t be more focused on me and my health! I’m drinking an 8 ounce glass of water. Every. Day.
Kind of pulling up a blank here on what else I could possibly do.
I’m not too proud to admit when I need help. For example, when I was trying to get over Mike from Bumble who ghosted me, I asked the trendy Urban Outfitters retail woman for help to know which pair of neon spandex bike shorts would be stupid looking enough that every time I put them on my brain will go “durrr.” She helped me find the dumbest ones and now when I wear them along with the thickest-soled shoes known to man plus a fanny pack, the only thought in my mind is that everyone must think I’m an Instagram influencer! Mike = Forgotten!
In that way, I guess this tuberculosis is Mike from Bumble only this time I’m TRYING to get him to ghost me! Ugh! Seriously! I’m one violent coughing fit away from snapping a rib!!!
So, people, what do I need to do? Add a serum from Kiehl’s? Maybe introduce a weekly bath with a Lush bath bomb into my routine? I’m desperate here, guys. I’m even willing to try like sulfate-free shampoo even though I don’t know what a sulfate is or why it’s bad to begin with.
Wait…Oh my god…
Do you think it’s sulfates that are causing the tuberculosis?
Well, in any case, I need a fast acting cure. If I look my best, I will feel my best, and that means I will stop waking up in the night unable to breathe from a build up of phlegm. And clearly the face masks simply aren’t cutting it because I’m waking up phlegm-ier and phlegm-ier every day.
I’m begging for ANYONE to tell me what to do!
One second, my doctor is calling. Just need to decline the call real fast.
Ohh, ok. I think I see the issue now. I’m trying to stop a life-threatening illness that makes me cough up copious amounts of blood with sheet masks? Using beautiful, dewy skin as the weapon with which I fight for my LIFE?? That was beyond foolish of me.
Clearly, this problem calls for more drastic intervention. The solution is so obvious to me now. I’m setting up an appointment — to finally get that nose piercing I’ve wanted!