What The Mailman Thinks When He Sorts My Mail

brown envelopes in mail box
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Judging by the heft, this birthday card has no check or cash. I can sense it only has a half-hearted signature.


I don’t see as many birthday cards as last year. She must be pushing people away as she ages.


But she receives a lot of catalogues. How sad that she has a shopping addiction. And very poor taste.


Ah, here’s a birthday postcard. She’s not completely unlovable.


It’s from the dentist. I can tell because it contains the lyrics to “Happy Birthday” written with a lisp. I’ll put that on top so she’s excited, then immediately disappointed.


Does she actually use all of these BOGO fast food coupons? If she doesn’t, she’s incredibly wasteful.


But if she does use them, she must think very little of herself.


The man down the street receives so many party invitations. I’ll sneak one or two into her mail so she has to see them, feel bad about herself, then go out of her way to return them.


Maybe they’ll fall in love. At her wedding, I’ll be the “something blue.”


Except this woman receives too many reminders about oil changes, meaning she doesn’t take care of her car and therefore could never take care of another human being.


After this, I’ll head to the local bar to gossip about her to the FedEx and UPS guys.

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