Don’t be offended that I forgot you existed – I’m just so busy being me.

While recently scrolling through my contacts to find the mobile number of one “friend” to pass on to another “friend” — so many friends, I know — I was astounded to find that I had no clue as to the identities of some of the names before me. This sudden intrigue got me a little hot under the collar – so much so, that I decided to put together a handy ranking of these unknown names, based on how sexy and mysterious they sounded…
Note: If we have ever been acquainted and you see your own name in this list, please do not take it as a sign to call me – I almost definitely have something more important to be doing, like washing my hair or some general, cuticle-based maintenance.
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‘Colin’
I may not recall the identity of dear, sweet Colin, but if ever there were a name entirely devoid of intrigue, it’d be his. There’s a reason that British heartthrob Colin Firth is generally known as “Mr Darcy,” “the guy from Bridget Jones” or “the gay one in Mamma Mia” — referring to “that guy, Colin” doesn’t quite have the same impact.
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‘Tom Edwards’
While Tom here might at least possess the good fortune to be accompanied by a surname, it’s hard to really get wrapped up in the potential adventures that could take place alongside someone with such a plain name. You never know, he could be like James Bond, bearing a simple title, yet concealing a sexy, adventurous streak – but let’s be real, he was probably just a guy from IT whose number I saved “just in case”.
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‘Grandma’
Having my grandmother’s number would entirely uninteresting were it not for the fact that she has never owned a phone, and also that she has been dead for four years.
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‘Pablo’
Once again, we find ourselves faced with a contact bearing only a first name, but if pushed, I would be inclined to say that having a name shared by Messrs Picasso and Escobar gives Pablo an edge over our darling Colin. Also, ‘Pablo’ is Spanish for ‘shredded yet empathetic’, probably.
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‘Julia Tinder’
Ahh, the greatest love story of our generation. Expect a ‘Save the Date’ any day now!
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‘Tall Man Too Much Tongue’
The less said about this one, the better – although I am struggling to decide whether ‘Too Much Tongue’ or the fact that I literally forgot who he was is a more damning indictment of his skills with women.
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‘Zppri1h8dd’
When sober, I’m a writer; when drunk, I’m a poet. To the mysterious ‘Zppri1h8dd’, I can only begin to wonder why on Earth you decided to give your number to a woman inebriated enough to assume that your first name must contain at least two numerical characters.
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‘Mr. Pizza’
I have no clue as to who this is, but I have a feeling they might be, like, The One? No idea why… Actually, I might just drop them a message?
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‘Your BFF <3’
I’m such a friend whore – a slut for companionship, if you will. I’m the kind of person who will make plans with you in three months’ time after knowing you for 30 minutes. For all I know, this could be my dentist — love you, Doctor Strong! XO
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‘DO NOT CALL’
God, Past Me is such a tease. There’s nothing sexier than a touch of le mystère — that’s why people get so horned up about surprise parties. Like, come on, what’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s only a phone call — it can’t be that bad… Hang on – [calls number] Oh, fuck. Terrible idea.