Don’t be offended that I forgot you existed – I’m just so busy being me.

While recently scrolling through my contacts to find the mobile number of one “friend” to pass on to another “friend” — so many friends, I know — I was astounded to find that I had no clue as to the identities of some of the names before me. This sudden intrigue got me a little hot under the collar – so much so, that I decided to put together a handy ranking of these unknown names, based on how sexy and mysterious they sounded…

 

Note: If we have ever been acquainted and you see your own name in this list, please do not take it as a sign to call me – I almost definitely have something more important to be doing, like washing my hair or some general, cuticle-based maintenance.

 

1. ‘Colin’

I may not recall the identity of dear, sweet Colin, but if ever there were a name entirely devoid of intrigue, it’d be his. There’s a reason that British heartthrob Colin Firth is generally known as “Mr Darcy,” “the guy from Bridget Jones” or “the gay one in Mamma Mia” — referring to “that guy, Colin” doesn’t quite have the same impact.

 

2. ‘Tom Edwards’

While Tom here might at least possess the good fortune to be accompanied by a surname, it’s hard to really get wrapped up in the potential adventures that could take place alongside someone with such a plain name. You never know, he could be like James Bond, bearing a simple title, yet concealing a sexy, adventurous streak – but let’s be real, he was probably just a guy from IT whose number I saved “just in case”.

 

3. ‘Grandma’

Having my grandmother’s number would entirely uninteresting were it not for the fact that she has never owned a phone, and also that she has been dead for four years.

 

4. ‘Pablo’

Once again, we find ourselves faced with a contact bearing only a first name, but if pushed, I would be inclined to say that having a name shared by Messrs Picasso and Escobar gives Pablo an edge over our darling Colin. Also, ‘Pablo’ is Spanish for ‘shredded yet empathetic’, probably.

 

5. ‘Julia Tinder’

Ahh, the greatest love story of our generation. Expect a ‘Save the Date’ any day now!

 

6. ‘Tall Man Too Much Tongue’

The less said about this one, the better – although I am struggling to decide whether ‘Too Much Tongue’ or the fact that I literally forgot who he was is a more damning indictment of his skills with women.

 

7. ‘Zppri1h8dd’

When sober, I’m a writer; when drunk, I’m a poet. To the mysterious ‘Zppri1h8dd’, I can only begin to wonder why on Earth you decided to give your number to a woman inebriated enough to assume that your first name must contain at least two numerical characters.

 

8. ‘Mr. Pizza’

I have no clue as to who this is, but I have a feeling they might be, like, The One? No idea why… Actually, I might just drop them a message?

 

9. ‘Your BFF <3’

I’m such a friend whore – a slut for companionship, if you will. I’m the kind of person who will make plans with you in three months’ time after knowing you for 30 minutes. For all I know, this could be my dentist — love you, Doctor Strong! XO

 

10. ‘DO NOT CALL’

God, Past Me is such a tease. There’s nothing sexier than a touch of le mystère — that’s why people get so horned up about surprise parties. Like, come on, what’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s only a phone call — it can’t be that bad… Hang on – [calls number] Oh, fuck. Terrible idea.