Your Rad New Benefits Package! (That No Longer Includes Maternity Leave)

group of people raising right hand
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

From: PriorityTech Internal Communications

To: All Employees

Re: 2019 Benefits Enhancements

Happy Friday to everyone in the PriorityTech family! As you know, PriorityTech is laser-focused on building the type of company culture that makes you look forward to coming to work every day. The board and CEO have reviewed our existing benefits package and realized that not all of our current benefits aligned with our vision statement. We want PriorityTech to be a hip, millennial-attracting, destination employer. That’s why we’re swapping out some of those outdated benefits for some rad new ones that will make PriorityTech have a truly amazing company culture!

 

We are removing: Paid parental leave

But we’re giving you: Roller skate rental library

C’mon down to HR to sign a liability waiver, then skate those post-partum blues away! What could be a better alternative to bonding with your newborn child than zipping around the parking lot on eight wheels?

 

We are removing: Dental insurance

But we’re giving you: UNLIMITED scented highlighters*

Thanks to our Mr. Sketch highlighters, you’ll be able to satisfy your sweet tooth without causing pesky, expensive cavities. As an added bonus, get ready to sniff your way to a tropical beach since you don’t have enough PTO saved up to actually visit one.

*limited to four highlighters per employee

 

We are removing: 401K match

But we’re giving you: Karaoke sing along Tuesdays

You may have noticed that sick karaoke machine in the break room and thought, what are those crazy cats in upper management up to? Every Tuesday, come rock out at 2 pm while Jeff from marketing shreds on his acoustic guitar. Tips from your coworkers under $500 don’t even need to be reported to the IRS. Busk your way to a retirement safety net!

 

We are removing: Tuition assistance

But we’re giving you: Corporate pet lizard

Instead of finishing your MBA, get an education in taking care of reptiles! PriorityTech has adopted an adorable iguana for you cuddle with on your breaks or check out for a weekend of cold-blooded fun. Feed her little bits of rotten mango and feel that tension drop out of your shoulders! Special bonus: In two weeks, we’ll do a drawing with an incredible prize. One lucky female employee will get to have the iguana named in her honor, then have a professional photo of herself and the iguana featured on our LinkedIn page!

 

We are removing: Performance-based bonuses*

But we’re giving you: BYO toppings infinite nacho bar

You bring the olives, jalapeños, sour cream, salsa, cilantro, and ground beef; we’ll bring the Safeway brand tortilla chips and that nacho cheese that requires no refrigeration. Available every day in the break room at noon! Pretty soon the only performance bonus you’ll care about is winning a bet with your teammates about who made the tastiest nachos.

*Performance-based bonuses have tripled for upper management and above

 

We’re sure you’ve also noticed some of our in-process construction, such as converting the lactation room to a coin-operated arcade, or the elimination of twelve parking spaces to accommodate a human chess board. And that’s just the start. By 2020, we plan to make all non-management positions into independent contractors and put a Jamba Juice franchise in the lobby!

It’s because of valued employees like you that PriorityTech has become an industry-disrupting juggernaut, and the least we can do for you is smother you in company perks. We plan to keep proving our commitment to you the only way we know how: by popping open free cans of Shasta cola to drown out the Bureau of Labor complaints.

#companyculture #keepitreal #yousignedanoncompeteclause

 

Have a great weekend!

PriorityTech Management Team

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s