Welcome! I’ll be your guide today during your first day back in the Friend Zone. We sure missed you, even if Beth didn’t!
We here at the Friend Zone are making improvements. We heard the feedback that previously you found the Friend Zone to be “confusing” or “difficult to navigate”. And we listened. Because we care. To us, you aren’t a client. You are family. Because Beth sees you as a brother.
Before we begin our journey, may I have your full attention as I go over our safety features. Please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exit.
Just kidding! There aren’t any emergency exits in the Friend Zone. You are more stuck here than that gum stuck to Beth’s shoe at that Adele concert. Remember that? When you spent two hours scraping that gum off for her? Anyway, we apologize for any inconvenience.
In the event of decompression, oxygen masks will appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, place the mask firmly over your nose and mouth. Secure your own mask first, and do not try to help Beth with her mask first. She finds your constant need to help her suffocating, which is the last thing she needs when air pressure is low.
At this time, please power off your electronic devices. Do not, under any circumstance, power your device back on to send Beth another cat video. Thank you.
A life vest is located under your seat if at any point you begin to drown in your own tears.
This is a nonsmoking facility. Tampering with, disabling, or destroying the smoke detectors is prohibited by law because, as I said before, we do not have any emergency exits. Yes, we understand this is a fire hazard. Unfortunately, Beth has not yet granted us the construction permits necessary to install any sort of exit strategy. Again, we apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.
In the event that Beth needs a ride to the airport, you are prohibited from offering that service.
In the event that Beth starts dating Stephen, do not interfere even though, yes, he is totally wrong for her.
If you have any issues during your stay with us, please do not profess your love to Beth again. Instead contact myself or another one of our highly trained Friend Zone attendants.
We know you have a choice in how you handle romantic rejection, and we here at the Friend Zone are thrilled you chose us. Again!