Welcome to our All-New Extreme Golf Course here in South Beach! We feel the old white men playing at our course are probably getting bored of the same old thing every day. So, we’ve made some slight changes to each hole. Enjoy!
Hole 1: To get onto the golf course you must get through the wall we have built around it. You may either try to make it through our very intense ‘border,’ at which point you will be immediately detained, or you may bribe a coyote to get you onto the course but be warned they may rob you blind.
Hole 2: This is a dog leg right where now you hit the ball with a dog leg. You may ask us what happened to the rest of the dog while looking directly at our groundskeeper who was famously released on parole after being convicted of bestiality. Well don’t ask that.
Hole 3: This hole is actually a classroom where you get lectured on women’s rights because chances are if you play golf, you could use a lesson.
Hole 4: To bring in the classic “The Floor is Lava” game played by the children that you ignore to instead play golf for 6 hours straight twice a week, the floor is lava, and by that we mean we replaced the grass with molten lava, motherfucker.
Hole 5: Instead of having a sand pit just in front of the green, we have parked your very expensive sports sedan right in front of the green. We feel sand does not incentivize you to hit the ball well as much as the car will, that car that makes you feel young and again and also makes you feel better about your small penis.
Hole 6: We have replaced the ball with a hand grenade partially to spice up the game and partially because we want to see what happens when you hit a hand grenade with a golf club.
Hole 7: Instead of a water hazard, this hole has an oil hazard. We filled a pond with all the oil that you use in a month, thus killing the entire ecosystem, but you don’t care so neither do we. Unfortunately, this hole does occasionally experience acid rain due to this ecosystem adjustment, but if that happens, just play through.
Hole 8: This hole is covered in injured endangered animals, as we got a lot of requests that our golfers wanted to take a life and feel like men. We had to injure the endangered animals, because our golfers are of course, not adept at being ‘men’.
Hole 9: At the end of this hole is the girl with the cooler full of beer for sale, except this time there’s a twist! She has a knife and complete legal immunity if she stabs you for being sexist or perverted in any way!
Hole 10: Instead of a flag, this hole is marked by a payphone. You can call your children and ask them how boarding school is going and explain why you never see them.
Hole 11: This hole has also done away with a sand trap and instead replaced it with quicksand. We feel that you don’t hear about enough quicksand deaths these days.
Hole 12: This hole is again not an actual hole per se, but is instead a brightly lit room with a desk. Behind the desk sits an auditor from the IRS and she has your tax returns in her hand. Bet you regret ripping off the poor to retire early and spend your winters in Florida now, don’t you?
Hole 13: On some courses, they have an alligator that will lazily float in a nearby pond. This is a great way for boring white men with 401K’s to feel like they’re living dangerously. Well, on this hole there is an alligator, but it is not just lazily floating because we gave it a kilogram and a half of pure cocaine.
Hole 14: On this hole, you will be followed around and pestered by a representative from Ashley Madison, trying to get you to sign up for an account. If you already have an Ashley Madison account, you automatically get a hole-in-one.
Hole 15: We called your wife about the Ashley Madison thing. So, while there are no physical abnormalities with this hole, you will have to play with the knowledge that your wife is driving home to go white-trash on your ass and throw all your shit on the front lawn.
Hole 16: A child with a gun roams this hole. If you make it to the end of the hole, there is a reporter waiting to take your statement about how you change your mind and we DO need gun reform.
Hole 17: On this hole, you will be serenaded by your favourite singer, Bono from U2, and- OH GOD Bono got hit from a stray bullet from the kid on Hole 16. Oh Jesus. Well, we can just play a recording of the one song Bono played before he got shot, all U2 songs sound the same.
Hole 18: At the end of the course, you must again make your way through the wall. If you entered via the ‘border crossing’ you are not allowed to leave and will be detained for trying. If a coyote got you onto the property, you will of course be shot upon trying to exit.