The DNC’s 11-Point Plan To Get Trump-Aiken Voters

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9.2% of Obama voters supported Trump in 2016, and we need them back! But that’s not the only portion of our potential 2020 electorate the DNC has been ignoring. We also must turn our attention to the fabled Trump-Aiken voters, those who voted for Trump in 2016 and Clay Aiken on American Idol in 2003. Here, we present an 11-point plan to get these enigmatic voters — those who weren’t persuaded by Ruben Studdard’s melodious Flying with Wings or Hillary Clinton’s literacy — back on our side.

Note: This refers to Clay Aiken’s bid to be the American Idol in 2003, not his 2014 bid to be the Representative from North Carolina’s 2nd District, which he lost by a (very spiky) hair.

  1. Understand the size of the electorate: Clay Aiken earned 12 million votes in 2003 and lost to Ruben Studdard by less than 130,000 votes, which the Trump campaign refers to as an “astounding victory” (for Aiken). To estimate how many people voted for Trump in 2016, simply count how many voted for Clinton and subtract 3 million.
  2. Get the policies right: Trump-Aiken voters differ on a wide range of issues spanning immigration, education, healthcare, and having real hair, but one thing they agree on is The Celebrity Apprentice. This is something the DNC should be able to capitalize on in 2020 since political campaigns are notoriously good at not paying people.
  3. Bipartisanship. Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard came together to sing a warm medley of Christmas hits in 2018. Trump loves ships. So let’s gather up both sides of the aisle – Republicans and people running for president in 2020 – and break bread. This is the government – we’re great at breaking things.
  4. Write 8 dozen New York Times profiles: The New York Times has a ton of experience profiling Trump supporters. Seriously, if you are an Obama-Trump voter and you still haven’t been written up in the New York Times, you need a new publicist.
  5. Throw in a Wildcard candidate: Remember how Clay Aiken was cut in Season 2 of American Idol and then returned as the Wildcard candidate, only to take 2nd place? And the only person who thought Trump would win was my friend Scott, which, which I know because he brings it up at every social gathering. Trump-Aiken voters love a wildcard, so why not mix up the field by adding in a few unexpected candidates.
  6. Metrics: Aiken’s debut album was entitled Measure of a Man. Trump loves numbers because you can make them up. Either way, these voters want numbers, so let’s show them the stats on how our Democratic candidates are going to educate their children, give them healthcare, and save the environment. And if that doesn’t work, which it probably won’t, let’s get #notmyidol trending on Twitter.
  7. Flout Paula Abdul: Paula Abdul said nice things about Clay Aiken on Season 2 of American Idol, mostly because she was the only female judge and therefore shoehorned into saying nice things about everyone. Trump likes to comment on the way women look, and Paula Abdul…is a woman. Coincidence that she plays a formative role in both of these men’s lives? We must use her.
  8. Buy everyone donuts: Unrelated, this is an effective way to soothe over tension at work every time I accidentally call my boss ‘dad’ (imagine how hard Ivanka’s life must be).
  9. Cool glasses: Clay’s eyewear is spot on. If and when Trump learns how to read, he can get a lucrative eyeglass sponsorship deal claiming that his inability to use the teleprompter was because of ineffective eyewear. ‘Warby Parker’ may sound like the name of someone who got exposed in the college admissions scandal but that doesn’t mean Bernie can’t be their spokesperson.
  10. White Men White Men White Men: What do Trump and Aiken have in common? “Electability”.

And if all else fails:

11.Have Simon Cowell go door-to-door, staring them down. This gets everybody in line.

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