By Jennifer Kim

Look, this is Earth. And somewhere deep in the ocean…Pacific, Atlantic…who cares they all look the same…but somewhere deep in this ocean there are a bunch of fish, like running around, you know? 

That is a fish. That is a fish. That, I think, is also a fish? No one cares.

They hang out together in a big ball. They swim in a circle, going one way always, heads down and so scared. They never look at each other. Never lead, always follow. That is very smart. If you are a  follower, you never stand out and you never get eaten. This is most valuable lesson to learn! Write it down.

Ok, this is how you know this is a movie. Water is so clear. That is fake. We went to Santa Monica beach remember? So much trash. More trash than ocean. Look on screen, not one single piece of trash. This is Hollywood. This is CGI.

Look, that fish cleans up its room to impress the other fish. So easy! All you have to do is move rock, hang up clothes when you come home. OH MY GOD, clean your room!!

That whale is upside down. He’s confused, messed up in the head. That’s what happens if you smoke marijuana. You don’t smoke marijuana right? 

Ok so what is happening is that, that seal is going to die. Shamu is going to kill it. No way that seal survives, he is on the smallest piece of ice. Don’t be sad. It is okay, because see, this is the circle of life and sometimes…OH MY GOD, that seal survived?! How!! Ha ha, okay, so I get it. This is a magic seal.

Hey, that shark looks like Aunt Maya. Eyes are very far apart. Mom!! Mom!! Come look at this shark that looks like Maya. So crazy.

Ok so that fish eating a bird is no good. That’s not supposed to happen. But, that happens because the bird turns its back on fish. Always watch your back. Do you still have the pepper spray we gave you? If someone comes up behind you, no matter who it is, spray them. Even if it is me. It is my fault for coming up to you back first.

So that is stupid. That is not the best way to catch a fish, running around chasing them. Too much energy, not enough time. Best thing to do is to have it come to you. You say, “I don’t care if you come here or not. Whatever. I am comfortable in my own skin.” And then the fish is suddenly interested, and they say like “Why not? What’s going on?” because that fish is used to being chased after all the time. But don’t respond, play it cool. And next thing you know, you are married. Take notes.

Whoa. Most baby animals are born and right away they are eaten by predator. You are so lucky, you know? We give you everything, pay for your school, pay for your car, let you sleep here, let you eat this food. This is not your food. This is our food. You are too spoiled! No more help starting now.

Ha ha, that fish has crazy teeth, like you before you got braces. Remember? So embarrassing. Hold on, let me bring out all the pictures.

Oh, so that is that thing…oh what do you call that? It’s that thing we ate at that place with Grandma and Grandpa. Remember? You hated it. I don’t remember what the name is. It’s like “snake in the water,” or something. Okay, that is the official name now.

Do you want to hear a joke? That walrus is you on Sundays! You are lazy, moving slowly, and sometimes you have a mustache. I should be a comedian. It is so easy.

Oh my god, this is so long. Okay, so big lesson is that there is a lot of water in the ocean. We don’t even know what is in there. And that is also like life, you know? Seriously. You do not know what is happening. Ever. It is so dark. And you might die at any moment…

Anyway, that is a crab. End of story.