The Feminist Superhero Films We Need Right Now, as Pitched by Men

person wearing superheroes printed t shirt
Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on

Dale, 47, plumber

My wife is always giving me shit whenever I tell her she’s gained a few pounds. So what about, like, this hot chick, but she can make herself super fat whenever she wants? Like boom! She snaps her fingers and suddenly she goes from being Pamela Anderson to being a Mack Truck. Call her “Captain Body Positive.” That’s the hot phrase right now, right? And then she yells, “Looks like I’ve let myself go, boys!” while she’s expanding like a flesh monster and crushing the bad guys. Man, my wife hates it when I say that, but I mean, have you seen some of those chicks that used to be hot in the 80s lately? Woof.

Trevor, 29, programmer

My girlfriend showed me this cartoon she saw about “the mental load,” where women have to do twice as much work as men because of the laundry and juggling their kids’ soccer practice and stuff. Lucky for her, I take Atticus to karate every Tuesday so it’s not really an issue for us. But her friend Julie, well, let’s just say her partner isn’t as woke as I am.  

What if there was this lady superhero and she’s one of those “do it all” single moms that I just respect the hell out of, and she uses “the mental load” to blow up her enemies’ heads? Like she just beams stuff into the evil dude’s brain like her meal planning, and a presentation she has to give at work, and her Zumba classes or whatever. Then, the guy can’t take it so his head explodes. Yeah, I think my girlfriend would appreciate that. I really think she’d get a kick out of it. Julie would too. Poor Julie, she was probably so jealous when my girlfriend told her that I took the initiative to order a pizza last night.

Glenn, 38, geologist

What about this whole alleged “wage gap” thing? I bet women would just love a metaphor for that. OK, so let’s say you’ve got this woman superhero–and of course, she’s totally hot, maybe 25 years old–and she kicks ass, but she only kicks 72% of the ass that one of her male colleagues at the superhero organization kicks. The movie is her going on this mission to figure out where the other 28% of her power is. And here’s the kicker: she’s had it the whole time, but first she had to fall in love with the male superhero. They get together and bam, full power! Plus, built-in sequel: They have a kid together and she has to decide if she wants to give up fighting crime in order to be a mom.

Oh, and you gotta find a way to shoehorn in having her work in STEM. They’re just eating that “women in STEM” shit up right now. Maybe she can be a botanist who was poked by a mutant Venus Fly Trap and that’s where she got her powers? That reminds me, on Tuesday I have to go to a Campfire Girls meeting and try to convince a bunch of third-graders they want to go into geology.

Geoff, 34, bank manager

Three words for you: Hashtag Me Too. That’s her name right there–Ms. MeToo. Not Mrs., that’d be offensive. So, she goes around getting revenge on dudes who’ve groped her in elevators and stuff. The movie opens with a guy trying to grab her ass at the supermarket and she says, “No means no, dickwad,” and she throws him through a glass window. Or, no, maybe some guy tells her she should smile more and she smiles while pushing him down some stairs? I don’t know, I’m not a writer.

Oh, and then she could take down some real sleazebag. Could be a comedian or a movie producer or something. Really put these creeps in their place, you know? I should know–that third sexual harassment complaint was a real wake-up call for me.

Kyle, 40, electrical engineer

Well, maybe this sounds crazy, but what if she wasn’t a “feminist” superhero? What if she was just a normal superhero, or rather, her powers have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she is a woman. Maybe she’s just very smart or very strong and that’s just her thing. Maybe she leads a team of superheroes and nobody has to comment about her being a woman in charge. Maybe everyone just respects her for her competency and it doesn’t have to be any kind of ham-fisted commentary about women in the workplace.

Oh, and also, what if she was like, an alien with six tits?

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