My Premature Yet Final Opinions on Each Presidential Candidate

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Pete Buttigieg: He seems fantastic and his husband is so charming; I’m in favor of his continued success just so when a scandal about him eventually breaks, it’ll seem all-the-more heinous.

Cory Booker: I’ll never vote for him after he took that money from Wall Street, or something.

John Hickenlooper: At Thanksgiving two years ago, my sister said he’s a guy to watch in 2020 so if I act like I’ve supported him from the beginning and he actually makes it, I’ll look really cool.

Jay Inslee: First in the gym, last to leave, he’s not the most naturally talented guy out there and don’t be surprised if he starts the season slow, but he has the heart to become a legend in the fall.

Marianne Williamson: A multi-million dollar presidential campaign seems like an awful lot of work just to sell a couple dozen more copies of her next book.

Julian Castro: I am strongly against an identical twin serving as president for what I assume are obvious reasons.

Mike Gravel: So I googled this guy and he’s an 88-year-old who was a senator from Alaska—get this—from 1969 to 1981. Like, that’s it. A half-baked presidential run in 2008 and now this: entering the race not to win, but solely to raise certain issues in the debates. I’m officially Team Gravel if only to learn more about this adorable dreamer.

Howard Schultz: Never. (While this is by no means “premature,” it is nonetheless “final.”)

Kamala Harris: She’s a strong candidate but her tough-on-crime past is very problematic. Does that make me sound smart?

Amy Klobuchar: I’ll have a better of idea of what my feelings are after I hear her campaign song.

John Delaney: Very inspiring, and I’m not just saying that because he makes me so hot down there.

Beto O’Rourke: I admire his audacity to lose an election and then run for a more prestigious office.

Andrew Yang: Never heard of him, not really in the mood to learn more.

Joe Biden: Never heard of him, either.

Eric Swalwell: I feel like he’s kind of cheating by being born in Iowa, right?

Elizabeth Warren: Someone on Twitter said she voted the wrong way on an obscure farm appropriations bill in 2013 and I therefore refuse to support her candidacy under any and all circumstances.

Bill Weld: All I know is if scientists developed the perfect Republican in a lab, they’d give him a name like “Bill Weld.”

Kirsten Gillibrand: A pundit on MSNBC said she has no chance at winning the general and that sounds like the perfect excuse for me to not even bother giving her a chance.

Tim Ryan: Why not just avoid all the time, effort, and failure and skip to the part where he’s on the vice presidential shortlist?

My Buddy Dustin: He’s always joking he should run, but he’s so popular around the neighborhood I bet he could actually get the signatures or whatever’s required to get on the ballot. And he honestly might not be that bad. At least hear his take on the designated hitter rule, it makes a ton of sense.

Stacey Abrams: I didn’t watch her State of the Union response but I told everyone that I thought it was fantastic, so I guess I better stick to my story and get behind her if she runs.

Wayne Messam: I’m just concerned his campaign will cause him to neglect his duties as mayor of Miramar, Florida.

Bernie Sanders: Oh my god, we have so many more months of this left. It will never end.

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