Oh the Places You’ll Pay Student Loans

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Congratulations!
Today is your day
You’re off to Great Places
To pay Sallie Mae

You have debt in your pocket
You have feet in your shoes
You can pay from LA or
New York or Toulouse

You can live #vanlife
And pay on the way!
You can couch-surf the
Couchiest couches and pay!

You could work a Big Tech Job,
Make the blinks and blonks blink!
You’ll refinance from Booz.le
Or Whatsit or Bing!

You can pay while you vape!
And you’ll say “hashtag blessed”
When you pay from the Fyre-y
Festiest Fest!

But no matter what you do now,
You’ll pay back every cent
The Public Service Forgiveness program
Rejected ninety-nine percent (of applicants, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?)

Oh!
The places you’ll pay!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be ‘gramming great sights!
You can join the influencers
Who repay from high heights!

Except when you don’t
Because, sometimes, you won’t

I’m sorry to say so
But, sadly, it’s true
That deferment
And default
Can happen to you

And at that point, I’m sorry
No one can protect ya
From the ring-ity phones
Of the loan debt collectors

They’ll ring you at WeWork
They’ll ring you in bed
And some say the ringers
Still ring when you’re dead

And who could enjoy poke
From the foodiest truck?
Or a co-working brunch
All so down on her luck?

But you’ll still have to pay
When you’re filled with remorse
You’ll pay from your Uber
(You’re the driver of course)

And your forty-five roommates
Will ask you for the rent
And you’ll realize
Your very last penny’s been spent

But your bankruptcy
Won’t stop the ring-ity phones
You’ll have no other choice
You’ll move in back home

And there’s no feeling worse,
It’ll fill you with dread,
To refinance your loans
From your childhood bed

Oh!
The places you’ll pay!

This point is
So low
There isn’t much lower
That one point could go

But as you sit in your bed
And your humiliation
Your alma mater will call
To ask for a donation

But you will pay them off
It’s just a matter of time
You may be 23
You may be 69 😉

So there’s no reason loans
Should tell you who to be.
You’re a dream-ity person!
Go and dream a big dream!
Because we need your big dreams
In this craz-ity world
This messed-uppity
Fuck-ity
Laz-ity world.
Cause as craz-ity and laz-ity
As it is, it’s for you!
And who else can improve it?
But a dreamer, it’s true!

So get out there, kid!
You can pay it, you can!
I’m 98 and ¾ percent sure, I am.

And when you pay the last penny
Take a screenshot! Let’s toast!
And just imagine the likes
On your big Facebook post.

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