Hell’s Reservation Confirmation Letter to Mitch McConnell

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Dear Mitch,

Thanks for being a Nightmare Rewards member since 2008. You earned double points for your most recent attempt to destroy democracy and are now one of our Premium Customers. You’ve earned your special, no cost, stay in Hell. Congratulations! Reservations are open-ended. We look forward to seeing you when the time comes.

DIRECTIONS:

Hell looks a lot like southeastern Wyoming, only browner, hotter, and with less wind. If you see trees or smell roses, you’ve gone too far. Don’t worry. If you accidentally get in the wrong line and end up at Heaven’s gate, one of God’s judges, who all look remarkably like Merrick Garland, will gladly tell you where to go.

Look for a chain link fence and a sign with an arrow that says “Hell.” The border crossing can get busy, with long lines at the entrance. Thanks to your rewards and premium status, Mitch, we’ve arranged VIP treatment. Just find an ICE agent and give her your full name and the code word “ASYLUM.” After a body cavity search, she’ll escort you to a luxury pen for processing. Amenities include deluxe foil blanket and complimentary beverage service every forty-eight hours.

ACCOMMODATIONS:

Expect the best Hell has to offer. You’ve been assigned the Obama Suite, decorated with life-sized pictures of the former President–from BOTH terms!!! Imagine waking every morning to the sight of Barrack signing the Affordable Care Act into law, announcing that we caught and killed Osama Bin Laden, and looking all buff and happy while windsurfing.

All accommodations in this five-star section of Hell are dual occupancy. Mitch, you’ll be thrilled to know you’ll be rooming with your best buddy, Donald Trump. For eternity! BFFs, literally!

DINING:

You’ll enjoy masterfully prepared cuisine, Mitch. Hell features an unforgettable dining experience every day of the week, serving only GOP-approved school lunch items. Every Tuesday is extra ketchup!

THINGS TO DO:

You earned enough rewards to receive the Ultimate Spa Package. Wow! Immerse yourself in a daily twelve-hour shift at the petroleum plant that fuels all of Hell. Spend time hand-checking the equipment for over-heating, experiencing all the sweat of a steam room and a complete exfoliation. You’ll regularly suffer third-degree burns with, thank Satan, no worry of sissy healthcare.

Weekend entertainment? Exercise on our 7-foot hamster wheel, and dodge the 7-foot hamster. Sled through the frozen area of Hell where all your dreams go to die. Officiate a gay wedding. Read ACLU pamphlets. Or, partake in movie night, with a choice of Black Panther or My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

CANCELLATION POLICY:

Hahahaha. It’s too late. Not with all you’ve done. Checkout: NEVER.

See you soon!

Yours sincerely,

Beelzebub
CEO & Engagement Specialist
Hell, Inc.

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